Stranger!!

She was a mystery of a kind,
Knocked on the door,
And entered my mind.

She looked at me... Silently,
Walked upto me,
Whispered in my ears, slowly,

Never could I understand,
Tried to befriend her...
But to me she always remained a stranger,

She laughed at me,
I wanted a friend, not a reformer,
She gave me some advice,
Believe in self, and the almighty,
Your heart will be free, the soul hearty.

She disappeared one day, left me alone,
Left me to realise, she was soul my own.

Written on 8th March 97.

The Sum of You …. And the all of me!!

When you saw all black,

You taught me white!

When you made allegations,

You taught me innocence!

When you didn’t know what to speak,

You taught me a new language!

When you abandoned,

You taught me ownership!

When you doubted,

You taught me trust!

When you cheated,

You taught me loyalty!

When you disregarded my feelings,

You taught me investment!

When you ignored,

You taught me attention!

When you sought my weakness,

You taught me strength!

When you spoke noise,

You taught me silence!

When you sat on the fence,

You taught me decisions!!

When you ran,

You taught me to stand ground!

When you couldn’t see the future,

You taught me hope!

When you walked away,

You taught me roots!

When you chose cowardice,

You taught me courage!

Every time you lied,

You taught me truth!

When you abused our friendship,

You taught me care!

When you left me to destiny,

You taught me determination!

When you walked over my dignity,

You taught me grace!

When you became footloose,

You taught me caution!

When you refused to see me clothed,

You taught me self-respect!

When you only see the window of opportunity,

You taught me vision!

When you gave excuses,

You taught me reason!

When you denied love,

You taught me acceptance!

When you offered a little of some of you!!

You taught me … How not to give any of me!!

 

Pink Frock

I was at a chai tapri a few days back. I had my ID card rolled onto my fist while I was having my chai. There are a lot of children around that place, who are made to beg. A small girl was standing right behind my friend.She kept on making signs at me and I presumed she was asking for money. I kept nodding in a No, all the time staring at her. She was wearing a pink frock, must be about 6-7 years of age and had a sweet smile on her face, while she kept signaling at something. I love pink frocks ... my mum stitched most of my frocks when i was a lil girl.

After the tea was done, my friend left and I went back to look for that girl to give her money. I normally don't give money to anyone, but I was curious about her. I found her and tapped on her shoulder, she smiled at me .... money still not taken from my hand.

Then came the most difficult question ... to which I still don't know what the answer is ....
She pointed at my Icard and said "Didi, yeh kaise milta hai? Kya karna padega?"

I froze. In probably ten seconds, I pictured everyone, starting with my Dad, my mum, teachers, school and college, my first job, my first boss, and all my offices til date, my students, my ex husband and his family, books, colleagues, Dev, my managers, all my relatives, friends and all those who have enabled me to be what I am today.

There are many who help us in indirect ways, government, education systems, people who guide & mentor us unknowingly, technology and more.

Gathered myself and asked her, "school jayegi? Kahan rehti hai?"

She nodded in a No, the smile disappeared from her face, at that age she went into a profound thought-zone and then came the next statement, "Nahi chahiye, paise bhee nahi chahiye, fried rice leke do." Almost, in an auto mode, I paid the chinese stallwala the money for her food, tapped on her head, showered a thousand blessings. Her reply ... "Thank you, bye". Her eyes insisting that I leave and I did.

A small moment, a tiny lil girl, made me think and thank everyone in my life in those ten seconds. Sometimes, we are so bloated with what we become in life that we forget how much effort, time, involvement and engagement is required from all those around us to make us a human being.


2015, has been an interestingly, important year for me. And I want to thank all, for being a part of my life and continually contributing to it. We may get estranged or move on from a few along the course of life, however, the influences remain. People leave their intent-marks. Good and bad, both. In moments like these, all you remember is the Good. And one is also made to realize, there is so much Good, that you need to days to recall and keep thanking all of them. I am also happy and blessed to have enough of good.


I wish the pink frock girl becomes an I-card holding girl in the future.

Thank you, Seasons Greetings to all!
Happy 2016!!

शोर

कहीं दूर जहाँ कोई नहीं ,
एक आवाज़ है ,
कहीं पास जहां कोई नहीं,
एक शोर है।
आवाज़। … आवाज़ है उन्
टूटे बिखरते सपनो की ,
और शोर है आपस में टकराते,
ज़िन्दगी की कुछ सच्चाइयों की। ।

दूर जाकर समेट लायी ,
जलते हुए ख़ाबों की राख को ,
पास पहुंची तोह शोर की फूँक ने ,
फिर दूर कर दिया उन् टूटे तारों को।

कहीं दूर अब देखती ही नहीं ,
उस आवाज़ को दफना दिया है ,
कहीं पास जहां कभी कुछ नहीं था ,
अब सिर्फ एक शोर है। ।
बस वही एक शोर है।

(१०-जुलाई - १९९७ / ९.१० p.m )

And the frogs continue to croak!!!

So two more girls got raped! Minors!! Killed!! So what? I mean, really, so what?

An honorable minister said, "ladkon se galti ho jaati hai".

We continue to smile. We continue to ignore. Presuming these things will die its own natural death.

For a few minutes look at things objectively, instead of objectifying women all the time. I know its tough, lets try though!

So let's define rape! Should we?

Sex without consent is rape.

That happens in a lot of marriages too, right? No, no, I didn't say its rape. No one calls it that.

What do you call ogling? Oh yes, I forgot, its call eve-teasing. 

And how do you define the boob pressing, butt pinching "aam aadmi" on the road, who knows how to fight for his human rights but doesn't care about the dignity of his wife who he just hammered up at home.

Another friend of mine said she wasnt getting a groom only because she was thin and dark. So going through the torture of being criticised for shape, colour, size, hair, dressing style, teeth (I get plenty of teeth criticism, personally!), financial status etc isnt rape at all. Its just a demanding social situation.

My maid of 16 years was made to abort three girls before she took a hard stand and fought back. No, that of course is not rape. That's a social issue. She has ensured both her daughters are graduate, elder one married to an IPS. Son is studying well too. She is still getting ill-treated by her drunk husband on most days in a month. That's just a bad marriage. Whoever said its rape?

When a woman decides to not have children, she is questioned about her fertility. She can be made to go through hell by her own friends, colleagues, parents and in-laws for this. She can be endlessly tortured for having decided to treat her body, her soul and her life as per her will. This definitely doesn't qualify as rape. Does it?

So when a mother-in-law tells the daughter-in-law to divorce the husband, get married to a panditji, then remarry the husband and that will help resolve her conceiving issues ... its definitely not rape! Its just a medical way of resolving infertility issues :).

Many minor and young girls in India are sexually abused. By teachers, doodhwala, bhajiwala, friendly neighbourhood uncle, the neighbours' dude son, cousin brother, driver .... and they don't even know its sexual abuse. Oh, but since it wasn't intercourse, how can we call it rape.... I am getting damn old - I keep forgetting the definition of rape, you see!. 

Girls are denied right to education in the name of marriage, caste, community requirements or social obligations. She can be married of as a minor to a man double her age for the sake of some custom followed since generations. She will be forced to consummate the marriage even before she understands the meaning of it. Did we hear the word rape anywhere?

What do you call a man who vehemently "targets" all divorcees and single mothers for casual sex? How many times do men not fake love to get into their pants? But, women carry on with their lives in the name of lessons learned, false positivity and forgiveness. LoL. What rape?

How do you treat people (men and women, both!) who pass comments on women saying things as ..."Deti hai kya? Yaar kisiko toh deti hogi ... shaadi mein khush toh nahi hai shayad". Ab woh leti hai ya deti hai, usse kya tere ghar ki roti kam sikti hai???? No, ofcourse this does not classify as rape.

How do you treat that security guard and housekeeping staff at super market's, theatres and malls ... whose sole purpose is to scan the woman inside out with his eyes. He must be mentally orgasming 100 times a day and we still smile at him courteously. I am only being kind by not generalising this behaviour to all men, because some idiotic faith is still telling me sab aise nahi hote. Na, na ... we are not discussing rape here.

Ill-treatment and ridicule of homosexuals, eunuchs, handicapped, mentally ill, is normal in our country. Accepted and expected. 

 

Indian TV soaps are filled with back stabbing, bitching, crying, agonising mad women. Women behaving badly with other women. Most of these have women as villains. I wonder which household has such idiotic ladies. That's not the real Indian woman. Bring programs that enlighten our society and help people to change their outlook.

It is beyond high time we questioned our values and principles. Our tolerance to human imperfections!! Our acceptance of the differently abled. Our own capacity to change and to grow, question it and if you find a real, doable answer, you are on the right track. 

 

The situation maybe changing. Girls are growing in their careers, studying abroad, living alone, not getting married, financially independent ... all this is happening.
But the % of reform in society still doesn't count towards tangible progress.

Coming back to the point, this is yet another incident and one more reason for social media's verbal diarrhoea! Can India really be awakened?! I am hopeful, at least so far, I have tried to remain very hopeful. I say this because I have fought back whenever I could and have tried to maintain my dignity in the most dim situations. And I see a lot of my friends, colleagues, neighbours and relatives not giving up.

 

Many men in India need counselling and a spine, educated or not. Most women in India, need help & empowerment, educated or not.

I personally know some amazing men who give and take respect for the kind of people they are. We need more of these kinds amongst us. And we need these men to take a stand against their own gender and STOP RAPE.

STOP RAPE OF ALL KINDS! STOP RAPE OF ALL BEINGS!!

Else, We become, what we tolerate!!

Read this for general knowledge - http://www.legalserviceindia.com/articles/rape_laws.htm

Stay Safe, be strong and live right!

Kahani puri filmy hai ... I love you Anna Mae.

2007.

Post September of 2007, I had no job ... my bank account was practically empty...no savings ... and my brother was admitted to the ICU one more time ... this was also incidentally his last time there in Oct 2007. I had a 7 month old Dev to look after without being sure of my next month's income. My ex-husband and I had separated. I had no view of my future. Or where I was going to be in the next few weeks ... and how will I survive. I actually borrowed money from my ex-husband to pay for my brother's bills at the hospital.

And I tumbled upon "What's love got to do with it..?" .... one more time. I had first seen it in 2006.

The quote that changed the way I look at money, job and life is this - 


"My husband and I just had a fight. I'm supposed to open at the Academy tonight. I have 36 cents and a Mobil card, and if you just give me a room, i swear I will pay you back"

These words are Anna Mae's words at the hotel reception. She is beaten up by her husband very badly, she's bruised, bleeding and she manages to beat him back and escapes. Runs to reach a hotel ... has nothing with her except that change in her pocket. :)

I don't know if she said this exactly the same way in real life ... but the reel life quote has had an impact on me, for sure. 

We all are made of steel ... and we don't know about it until we are pushed to the extremes. I have seen the most desperate times when it comes to money and relationships. However, I continue to move on ... to live and to love. And to earn .. :)

It turned my life in a way that I never imagined it could. Every time life has thrown me down and I don't know where to go next - I watch this movie. I also read some of her interviews and watch her perform on stage. Its strange how some people can inspire us and they don't even know about it. They don't need to, I guess.

The movie is Anna Mae's biopic ... and of course the songs are super. Whats love got to do with it is one of my all-time favorites ... both, the movie and the song.

This is for you Tina Turner.  

Happy birthday Anna Mae (a.k.a Tina Turner) .... and Thank you.
November 26, 1939 (age 74 years)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tina_Turner 

Till death do us apart .... part 4

Itching to write. The idle time got my braincells charging again. Sorry have stayed away too long from writing ... and I miss hearing from some of you.

Till death do us apart is a multi-part series. I don't intend to change the rules of marriage for anyone and neither am I here to send out marriage commandments. I only express my thoughts and also sometimes "speak on demand" and what I want to discuss today is loyalty / open marriages and relationships / friends with benefits etc.

What does being loyal mean in any relationship?

I think being exclusively committed to your partner in every way is loyalty, for me. And no, this is not the wrong or the right definition, its just what I believe in. And I have heard different versions of that. Some think that being emotionally loyal to the partner is "sufficient", one can be sexually involved with multiple people. In other words, "no strings attached" / friends with benefits etc. Some say as long as we go back home to the same partner each day, what I do outside shouldn't matter to anyone. There are a few who have deeper relationships outside marriage and continue to stay married for the sake of kids. And no these are not gender-specific. Both men and women today practise their "convenient" loyalties with their partners / spouse.

Questions -

# can someone ever be truly detached with a friend who is offering the benefits?

# Is it possible to stay totally detached from an office spouse on an emotional and mental level?

# Don't open relationships ask for too many compromises?

# Who decides and knows when someone has crossed that line and is cheating?

# Does one know what is going to be the effect of this self-declared loyalty on the partner or the spouse?

# What happens to the respect for each other in such relationships?

And then there are some genuine people who are loyal in every way to their partner/ spouse. Are they old-fashioned? Are they the odd ones out? Are they missing out on some fun, somewhere?

Flip side to this, if someone has genuinely fallen out of love or is in a dead marriage and wants to move on, the world including the spouse finds this strange. Why should my husband / wife move on and end the current marriage / relationship, when I am OK with him/her being "loyal" to me and having fun outside marriage? People in general are hugely underestimating the side effects of open relationships or polygamous behaviour. because there are pockets of people who have accepted the "selective" loyalty concept, men and women think its OK to be casually involved. However, there are some pockets yet, who believe in being monogamous and exclusively committed to the "one" person in their lives.

Promiscuous behaviour today gets pardoned in the name of acceptance of the "casual" concept. In fact, its surprising to note that a lot of people remain in a marriage and are constantly "forgiving" this for their partners.

 

A lot gets discussed about casual sex and how human beings were never supposed to be monogamous!!! It may work if both partners know, understand and accept everything about each others future expectations from the relationship or marriage. Past doesn't matter. But then are all things discussed? Does one anticipate everything about such things? If one of them is entering the relationship or the marriage without fully understanding the meaning of the word "open" (no pun intended), its a disaster in the making. Why get married if open relationship is the need of and for both involved? Live-in. Stay together for as long as it works out and move on gracefully when the openness of the relationship turns into a closed door. What happens to kids? Will the parents be able to give them the right perspective of things if they know about the multiple partners or the lifestyles of their parents? Mind you, nothing remains hidden forever, from anyone.

Friends with benefits - fabulous (maybe) between two single people. What happens if one is married or both are? Nowadays, if someone asks me "are we friends?" my answer usually is "yes, without benefits, please" :D. Its better to be safe than sorry - lol.

And then can someone tell me what is the new definition of "INFIDELITY" and "FRIENDSHIP" please? :)