Is that a statement that most of us make or feel only when we get married? Why can't we say 'Till death do us apart' ... as soul-mates / friends / partners / or just as lovers!
I have been wanting to write about relationships and especially marriage since a long time .... This is a multi-part post and will continue writing as and when I can!
In today's day and age, do marriages stand a chance of success, like they did earlier? I am absolutely pro-marriage and believe in it more than ever. However, have gone through an unsuccessful one and seeing a lot of my very close friends and associates going through divorces. The number of failed marriages are increasing and India's divorce rate in the recent times, is startling. I will not present statistics, since I am contributing to it in any case. Are single people thinking enough before getting into a life time of commitment? At least for me, it was always that!
Some thoughts -
There was a reason this institution was established, and it matured over the years. Are those traditional reasons of marriage still valid? Division of labour in the house, men- earning the money, women - the homemaker, sexual loyalty, joint families, marriageable age, procreation etc .... Today women are independent to a great extent, financially and physically. As far as emotions go, guess we have learned to maneuver our vulnerabilities and don't sap as much as we used to in the earlier years. Procreation is not a necessity or the next milestone anymore. Many men and women don't want kids, for reasons that are completely understandable. Money is not an issue, as both genders are usually working and understand finances easily.
Nuclear families exist since donkeys years and we are no longer constantly pleasing families. We have managed to distance ourselves from the poking family aunts, uncles and cousins, so its easier to get into relationships and break them too. Everyone has been shown that no interference will be tolerated .... the two brains and hearts can decide everything. And trust me, its true in both situations - marriages as well as separations! In joint families, there was always at least one soul trying to sort troubles between the couple. A shoulder to cry on, a heart who felt the need to keep the peace. And, couples listened! Today, we are so self-engrossed that even well meaning advise is counted as 'interference'.
So, do people still want to get married for those traditional reasons? Even today, a very large portion of urban population is not thinking of the 'why!' I cannot comment on the rural population, as some of those traditions still prevail there. So lets leave rural India out of this conversation.
Marriage is still a project plan, with deadlines and milestones. Sadly, education and status has no effect on this. Where there is a date being monitored by the project manager, read parents and families, and there are daily / weekly / monthly reviews on the key achievements for the married coupled. Flat, car, designation, celebrations, a kid within a year or two, second kid, and the routine of being married! Can two people not be married just because they want to, without plans and milestones! Of course, very clearly communicated to each other.
Before deciding about marriage, Isn't it better to know each others' life goals? How many of us discuss it with our potential marriage partners? The dreams, the career path, the place where you want to live /settle down, the kinda house you want, the financial aspirations, professional ambitions etc? I guess, one of the reasons, why arranged marriages have a better success rate than love marriages, is due to the preliminary discussions the partners have. I am aware that this is neither idiot-proof nor carved in rock, after all goals do change or circumstances may! However, there is some amount of early discussion that does help or at least fuels the thought process. A lot of times the partners want totally opposite things not just from the relationship but also from life. And the presumption is - sab theek ho jayega. Maybe it does! Maybe it doesnt! In today's times, the latter is on the rise. I know of couples who don't even know why they got married, maybe I am one of them too! But we just became sure of why we wanted to part! :)
Tolerance and patience levels are low. Most of us are raised in nuclear families, where the focus was on us - children. Things around us have changed drastically in the last ten years! From technology to fast food to entertainment to lifestyles - life has changed faster than ever! Instead of trying to fit all these in our lives, we try to fit ourselves in them. Eating out and eating alone was never a trend. Families used to eat together - at least one meal a day. Movies, picnics, new clothes, everything had a reason or some kind of reward or celebration associated with it. We were taught to value it ... some took it positively and some used it to become rebels. With the retail boom, many believe that relationships can be bought of a shelf and so have a shelf-life too! Really?? If 'self-centric' is the trend of the times, will marriages work? Unless, both are self-centric and are clear about this with each other and equally accepting of the situation. Couples like these exist too - maybe that's the way forward.
Does age contribute to better marriages? Mom says, 'ek baar banda 25 ka ho jaaye toh uske basic traits set ho jaate hain - uske baad usse badalna mushkil hai'. I got married when I was 27! By then, what I wanted from my marriage was NON bargain-able. Does it help for the woman to be a little younger, maybe 23-24 to settle down easily in a marriage? I don't know! For all those who get married much later, or if its this their second/third marriage, this will have a stronger effect! How flexible we really are after a certain age? And if anyone tells me, 'anything for love .... ' ... its transient. Live with the person and love the person for what s/he is and not what we want them to change into after marriage! For some days, weeks, months, it may work! We may change temporarily for someone - something! Eventually, it all becomes suffocating - going back to low tolerance and patience levels.
Isnt it then necessary to accept the other person 'as-is', knowing his likings/ dis-likings/ intelligence / vulnerabilities / outer limits / tolerance levels etc ... *conditions apply!
Conditions - the partner may not be presenting himself / herself truly and completely, and this can be a very innocent thing!
Ever considered this - 'Do I want to grow old with my partner?' My ex mother in-law used to say, pati patni ka saath zindagi ki sandhyakaal mein aur khubsurat ho jaata hai! If the final goal is really ' Till death do us apart .... ' then life is simpler. We learn to live each others' lives .... petty things don't bother you. Or at least we do manage to work around it, together! Exit criteria should exist in projects and contracts - only, not in relationships! And if that's the way one wants to live, the partner should know about it before getting into it. Give an option to the partner to refuse the deal :)
A few years back, sexual loyalty was a thing to count on, rather not even stated in so many words! Today, women and men are more experimental and adventurous, irrespective of the marital status. The new mantra of fidelity, today, is - 'I am emotionally loyal to you - physical indulgence outside of marriage doesn't count'. Are we prepared to deal with it? Besides, who decides where does this stop? Is such a relationship truly emotion-free? Either gender does not need to pay for sex today - its available, freely outside. In fact, marital status makes the casual sexual relationships safer, there is presumably no emotional/financial baggage. Are emotions fast-food? Quick, easy, disposable bags, drive-through? And what happens if you co-incidentally fall in love with the one you are casually involved with? (Well, this is another topic for another day!)
Are open marriages really successful? If yes, why tag it legally? Being together, irrespective of being married may be good too! Is it right to have kids in an open relationship/marriage? At least it saves the legal warfare, when you decide to part!
What is that one, reason enough to be married to someone for life - nice to have more than one reason (:D)? Is it really what one needs or wants? Are marriages really made in heaven? Do you have skeletons in your cupboard that you need to get rid of before taking the giant leap? Is that one lovable trait in a person good to last a lifetime? Trust? Faith? Communication? Lot remains to be talked about.
More in part - 2/3/4.......
Have a lovely week ahead, guys!
