An Ode to my Dad Part 2

 

An Ode to my Dad Part 2 .... (31 July 1940 to 09 Jan 2001)

Arjun Ramchand Mulwani

31 July 1940 to 09 Jan 2001

 

Civil Engineer by profession. A true Leo by nature. A doting and a strict Father.

Had posted part one last year on 29th July, and this being his birthday month, had to write another one. Got a very good reason as well to pen down this one.

This one's going to be simple too. Its the things Dad did for me knowingly and unknowingly. Growing up we didnt have a lot of money and were in fact a hand to mouth family. In spite of the most difficult personal and financial circumstances, Papa made my life interesting, comfortable and provided me holistic growth and nurturing in whatever way he could and in the little money we had.

1. Reading - As a kid, I never wanted to read. I was a studious kid and used to have my hands full with school studies so never wanted to indulge in anything more outside of it. Dad was adamant and used to often have fights with me that I wasn't reading anything else. However, he wasn't the types to give up so easily and not on me for sure. So he did the below things to make me read.

• Newspaper marking - Through the day, he would read the maximum of the newspaper, and later when he retired, he would almost finish it. He used to buy the 4 refill pen that had red/blue/black and green 4-in-1 ball-pen. Every evening I would get the paper handed over - anything marked in red has to be read on priority, next was blue, and then was green. Anything marked in black was optional / weekend reading. I was asked questions from what I read, and there would be wholesome dinner table and midnight discussions on those topics. Omg, how i miss those times!!
• Magazines and subscriptions - He got me talking on why I don't want to read and if I ever did what topics / books it would be. So he figured I wasn't the novel / fiction person at all. My first book was gifted by him called as Picnic Papers, which is a book on different types of picnics around the world, how they are celebrated etc. I finished the book within a week and then he got me a subscription for magazines - India Today, Illustrated Weekly, Mayapuri, Femina, a few Film magazines, Mid-Day, and the one that hooked me to reading was "Readers Digest". Interesting that I subscribed to readers digest after almost 25 + years now again. And I got its first issue just this week. Many many hours spent in reading them together, exchanging notes and discussing things I didn't understand.
• Crossword solving and dictionary discussions - Mid day crosswords had to be solved at least 2-3 times a week. And he would randomly pick a word from the dictionary and ask me its meaning. Then make sentences. And he would give me points out of 10 for those.

2. His love for Stationery - I have been gifted all sorts of pens, colors, brushes, erasers, fancy scales, notebooks, labels and anything that could make my writing and painting better.

3. Painting / Drawing - I will never be able to draw or paint like him, but whatever lil flair I have is bcos of him. Its genetic and he taught me .... especially outlining anything correctly. He used to help me draw and paint correctly for all my school and college submissions. Not to mention his handwriting was like "kaagaz pe moti". He made my writing clearer, better and beautiful when I was in standard 3. As a result of that, along with some other classmates, I used to be chosen for filling in the school registers at the beginning of the year, those days it was all handwritten in my school. Very less typing and no computers either.  He would also help me with the quote of the day that I would need to write on the school board, when on duty for that. I don't remember a day when i needed something in stationery and I had to ask twice, never! Infact, I had an overdose at times of things. I overindulge in this, even now, sometimes.

4. Food - My food habits are 90% like him, except that I am not a huge nonvegetarian eater. Its him who would always want simple home food on regular home days, no fuss, no demands and would eat every vegetable, so do I. We were not allowed to ask mum "aaj khaane mein kya hai" .... he would say khushnaseeb ho ke table pe khaana hai. At the same time, every weekend he would pamper us with food from different restaurants. He would take us out or he would go and get it packed. No Zomato / swiggy that time, you see 😎. Never said no for any restaurant, unless it was so expensive that we couldn't afford it. When we, with time, became a lil okay financially, fine dine restaurants were a regular place to go to at least once a month. He was a great cook himself. And I say this, cos when he married mum, she didn't know even the names of the ingredients used in the kitchen. And he taught her, all of it. And my mum's an excellent sindhi home cook. I always saw them bonding over food. And his way of showering love on us kids, was also hugely through food. He taught me how to knead dough, how to make good chai, etc.

5. Music - His HMV Record player from the 1970s and the hugeeeeeee collection of round vinyl disc records. Oh God, how I regret giving it away. Our first Sony tape recorder. And then the CD players etc .... He first took me to a cassette shop and let me pick 10 cassettes of my own choice. Every month I was allowed to buy one cassette when I was in school. He would listen to English songs of those days and help me save money to even buy some cassettes in black. 😜. Singing with him, listening to his singing almost all the time when he was at home, was beautiful. The day he didnt sing, we knew, aaj pange nahi lene hain !

I have seen him save and spend money on finer things of life. While ensuring that our health and all other requirements were satisfied at least to the bare minimum. Not all good things need a lot of good money. Easy to use, simple and dedicated activities can bring so much joy, education and overall growth in children. Its something I have experienced first hand. I cannot be like my Dad, but I try to give as much as I can to my child and its not money.

Signing off for now. More next year!

Keh lene do aaj!

Kuch rang birangi deewarein hain,

Jo hamesha bachaaya karti hain,

Ek barsaati hai saath,

Baarish mein baithke chai peete, 

ungliyon pe tapkati boondein dekhne ke liye,

Ek khidki se phool dikhte hain,

Dusri se titliyaan,

Darwaaze kee dehleez pe dhoop pighalti hai,

Aur chhat se khulaa aasmaan muskurata hai,

Taare aur chaand aaine mein jhalak dikhaa jaate hain,

Jahan pahuncke sukoon ka ehsaas hai,

Yahan ruk ke manzil ka khayaal hai,

Chamaktee hui raunakein hain,

Tyohaar ho jaise shayad koi,

Inn kuch deewaron, khidkiyon, taaron ke beech,

Woh aashiyana dikhta hai abhi mujhe,

Kya hai yeh sab, aur kaun ho tum?

Gunjaish thee shayad pehle, Ab yaakeen ho mera, 

Keh lene do aaj, Tum Ghar ho mera! 

- Hirinder 17june2022

Two minutes/२ मिनिट

 2 minutes / २ मिनिट ...

Two minutes baby, जब मां मैगी बनाने का promise करके किचन में जाती है,

Two minutes baby, jab woh unse 'call back करती हूं', केहती है,

दो मिनिट में आई, when she tells the सब्जीवाला and goes to fetch his Diwali money,

२ मिनिट देना pls, when Dad tells the child to get ready for taking him out for a bike ride,

Just two mins okay, that's the tenth time she's said it before finally being ready,

Do मिनिट में निकला, जब बच्चे नहाने जाते हैं और हर १० मिनिट में दो मिनिट add करते हैं,

पक्का सिर्फ two minutes, when the family is waiting for dinner and sirji is on a ऑफिस कॉल,

Yaar 2 minutes sachchi, jab dost Ghar ke neeche wait kar rahein ho, aur bhai hamara gf se phone pe video call pe hai,

2 मिनिट देदो mom, jab बिटिया या बेटू, बस वो लास्ट एक पैराग्राफ complete karke, kitchen mein help karne aayegi ya aayega,

Two minutes darling, when she's closing the door and he's honking the horn from the car,

Do मिनिट बेटा, when she's bringing in the hot chapatis from the kitchen and you are banging the थाली at the table,

Bahut se aise दो मिनिट make our lives,

कई दो मिनटों ने बहुत प्यार दिया है,

काफी two minutes में we have our memories,

Yeh two minutes / २ मिनिट, दो साल के कमाए पैसों में नाप नही सकते,

और इन दो मिनटों की खुशियों में, कभी दो घंटे, कभी दो दिन और कभी दो साल के कमाए पैसों की जरूरत पड़ती है।

सबके दो मिनिट, हमेशा दो मिनिट से ज्यादा हुए है, 

और कभी किसीने कम नही किए हैं,

आप सबको आपके दो मिनिट हमेशा खुश रखे,

सभी के दो मिनिट हमेशा सबके साथ रहे।

- Hirinder / हिरिंदर

Love is ...

 Love never signed up for feminism vs patriarchy,

It didn't want pre-nups or contracts,

It didn't ask for wins and losses,

Love didn't ask for one upmanship or to be shown it's place,

It didn't play games of the lust and the wars,

Love never meant to see courtrooms or walls,

It never withheld itself to torture a soul, or fine a kind heart,

Love never lived in denial, nor did it hide under the garb of friendship,

Love never walked with the one who calculated,

It never ran with the one who didn't walk with it,

Love never wanted the glory or the worship,

It never lied to the one it loved, it never hid the truth,

But, love could not for long, all give, and never not ask,

Love is not what you think, it is all that you didn't accept,

It is all that you refuse to see, it is all that you could be,

Love s all that is me and it's all that you could never be!

- Hirinder

The Waiting ... When !

 The waiting ...when....

 A child is promised a toy,

A teacher is promised the results,

A student is promised a career,

An employee is promised a promotion,

A woman is promised fertility,

A man is promised a house,

A pet is promised kindness,

A bride is promised 'her' home,

A groom is promised a family,

A girl is promised forever love,

A boy is promised forever her,

A night is promised a dawn,

A sky is promised a sun,

The puddles are promised a jump,

The bees are promised flowers,

The wings are promised a flight,

The flights are promised a landing,

The giggles are promised a laughter, 

The whispers are promised a talk,

The watch promises time, 

The time promises love,

A new life promises happiness,

A new plant promises fruit,

An old purse promises a lost coin,

An old suit promises memories,

When he promises a ring,

And she promises a life,

The calendar promises a date,

The date promises history,

A life promises a journey,

A journey promises a destination!

All these are one line stories, waiting to be told, waiting to be heard, waiting to be owned!

The waiting when, it's beautiful and not all waiting is a game!

The waiting when, all promises are fulfilled,

And not when it lands up in a game!

- Hirinder

Words !

 Words, 

I leave them on my pillow, 

some I drop near my office desk,

A few I scribble on my mirror,

Some are lining my eyes using that kohl,

Many are on the walls of my heart,

Quite some are scattered outside our room,

Some visit in my dreams to have a conversation in the middle of the night,

They trickle down on the window pane when it rains,

During prayers, some are caught between my folded hands,

Some appear on the food plate, with forks,

In the folds of the clothes he wears, they are hidden,

Holding onto the window curtains, a few are always hanging,

Wrapped in the unused gift papers, a few are waiting to be seen,

Not knowing how they reached there, many are on his lips,

The pen inside my diary, keeps playing with a few,

Wondering why they don't get noticed, some get crushed daily under the rolling pin,

The shopkeeper returns a few to me, with the exact change he sometimes has,

Lost are little of those in the documents I complete everyday,

My son, sends some to me when he smiles during a busy day,

Dancing are a few found inside my friends message,

Words, many are everywhere, from what I chose,

Words, I need to collect them, before I write one of those!!

- © Hirinder

Are they?

Are the erasers and sharpeners, still talking to each other about that child?

Is the tiffin box still waiting for it to be burnt in the morning?

Is the bus seat still wanting to be torn by that compass?

Is the school bell still waiting to hear the roar?

Is the school toilet wall still waiting for that name to be written on it?

Are the cafeteria plates awaiting the next stain on them?

Is that boy in the class still waiting to catch her on the staircase?

Is the playground still waiting for the stampede?

Are the yoga mats awaiting the bum burns?

Is the whiteboard waiting for a date?

Is the desk waiting to be scribbled on?

Are the benches wondering where the gums are being stuck on?

Are the corridors wondering why has it not heard the laughter since long?

The children are waiting and wondering, even if all of them aren't!

- hirinder

The "No Expectations" Parade !

Don't expect me to call back,

As I have presumed, you "expect"  me to disappoint you!

Don't expect me to let you know my plans,

As I don't respect your time, And "expect" you to wait, forever! 

Don't expect me to show up,

As I know, you "expect" me to keep up to my reputation!

Don't expect me to level up,

As I think, you "expect" me to not grow up!

Don't expect me to fund the house,

As I believe, you "expect" me to play dutch here as well!

Don't expect me to make my intent clear,

As I don't think, you "expect" me to speak the truth!

Don't expect me to change my attitude,

As I believe, you are "expected" to accept me as I am,

Don't expect me to stop taking you for granted,

As I am sure, you "expect" to the do the same with me!

Don't expect me to stop abusing your feelings,

As I am aware, you "expect" this to be the norm!

Don't expect me to pamper you,

As you must "expect" to be regular already!

Don't expect me to answer your questions,

As you must know, your questions are "expected" to be intruding!

Don't expect me to make you happy,

As everyone preaches, you are "expected" to make and keep yourself happy,

Don't expect me to buy you flowers,

You should know, you are "expected" to plant your own!

Don't expect me to be kind,

As I thought, you would know you are "expected" to understand my feelings,

Don't expect me to explain,

You are "expected" to know, my zodiac signs don't!

Don't expect me to reach out,

I have been, for far too long been told, to "expect" being on my own!

Don't expect me to die,

As I am "expected" to follow, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Don't expect me to show my vulnerabilities,

As I am told, "expect" being exploited!

Don't expect me to understand you,

As I am told, you would "expect" to be misunderstood all your life!

Don't expect me to lay a claim on you,

I have been told, you "expect" to not be owned!

Don't expect me to trust you,

I think, you "expect" you trust to be broken!

Don't expect me to love you,

I am sure, you "expect" to be hang you between being friends and being liked!

 Don't expect me to be there for you, when you need me the most,

I am sure, you "expect" the powers that be to work for you!

Don't expect me to tell the truth,

I am sure, you "expect" me to hide it for your own good!

Don't expect me to show you my emotions,

I was told, you "expect" to meet people living in denials!

Watching a "No Expectations" Parade!

And .... I EXPECT, I still Expect, I always will ! And I Expect, you do too!!

 

 

 

An Ode to my Dad .... (31 July 1940 to 09 Jan 2001)

Arjun Ramchand Mulwani

31 July 1940 to 09 Jan 2001

 

Civil Engineer by profession. A true Leo by nature. A doting and a strict Father.

Many ask me who is the Arjun in my name, now you know.

 

Started writing this in 2015 ... something wants me to complete it this year. And if my wish comes true, I will write a part two. Life is all about wanting to tell your stories to people. Here are some of me and my Dad.

His birthday is on 31 Jul and thought it would be nice to publish this ahead of that.

 

Keeping it simple ... just listing down some things that Dad knowingly / indirectly .... said. It left an impact, sometimes a lesson and often afterthoughts. Anecdotes will be included!!

Some I recollect as I age and a few make better sense now, as a parent. These may have been said by many parents in a different language, vocabulary and many other formats ... however I am sure it has its repeat value :)
 

Hope Dev gets to read this someday and gets to know an aspect of his Nanaji whom he could never meet.

 
1. Punctuality and hard work have no substitutes.

2. Most intelligent women, make foolish choices. Most highly intelligent and successful women have a very tough personal life.

3. To make a mark in a man's world, you don't need to dress up like one. He got me first pair of heels (yellow pencils), my first dress, my first watch, my first good pen! And he used to always say, a good outfit, a god pair of shoes, a good pen, a great watch, a good heart and fab brains is all you need in this world!

4. He taught me how to fly a kite and actually pull it down such that it landed in my hands each time. Once I let if fall on the terrace floor and he asked me why I let it go ... I said, "I already know how to get it down in my hands. So why do it every time? I have enough practice and i got bored too." He responded, perfection and excellence remain that only if consistently practiced. If you let it go, even one time, you ditch the skill. Don't ditch your skills and talents!!!

5. Be a man of your words.

6. Always carry a good pen, wear a nice watch, carry a clean handkerchief and good wallet. i follow all of this. Maybe gone overboard with the watch collection. Will need to write a separate will for them.

7. Blood relationships never miss a chance to express the list of obligations. Friends rarely do. Choose your partners along the path of life, carefully.

8. Never call yourself names even in your thoughts. You end up becoming that.

9. Always write your name clearly and legibly. That's the only thing you carry to your grave.

10. Never lose an opportunity to participate in an activity that you love to do. It teaches you something new about yourself each time.

11. Being happy while being alone is a blessing, if you know how to use that time.

12. Be kind to animals, they are the only ones who know how to return it and way more than what was given to them.

13. If you love music, you will never be lonely.

We used to listen to songs, ghazals together. He would make me write the lyrics and then we would sing. He would explain the meaning of some ghazals to me. We used to have the record albums and i don't remember a single day in the house where the songs weren't played. I have often woke up to his voice, singing beautifully early in the morning. Hemant Da and Talat Mehmood songs. How I wish I had recorded his voice. I miss it.

14. If you can draw, no place is boring. He could use both his hands at the same time to draw a free hand, equal sided drawing. I would bring home the journals of my school friends and we would divide the work between us to finish them over a couple of nights. He would never ever say No.

 

15. If you can write well, you will never struggle with communication.

16. My first salary was 700 rs a month. When I got my first salary way back in 1996, I was over the moon. He let me have fun for the first two days. Then he sat me down and asked me, if he didnt take a single rupee from me, how many months would i take to make my first lakh. I remember I froze. But it set my financial goals right. Over the years, I lost grip of things due to extremely difficult personal circumstances and limitations, but I am okay.

Saving the first lac is the toughest job, next is the first ten lacs, then is the 50 and then is the first cr. (May not be true today, but translate it to the current financial milestones as per its value).

17. Partition taught him how much boundaries can hurt ... and so we learned to celebrate and respect all religions. We always celebrate Christmas or Eid or Diwali or Guru Nanak Jayanti with same enthusiasm. We may not know all the rituals or the fine vocabulary of why they are celebrated, except general knowledge, however there for all festivities we do offer our prayers to our Gods and eat good food. :)

18. Expecting your children to look after you when you are old, is being vengeful. Earn enough respect, so that they end up being there for you when needed, not just financially.

19.He asked me many times, before marriage, why I wanted to get married. I always said, I don't know. He always asked, what I expected out of my partner, I always responded 'nothing in particular'. One day he told me, Stay single. Headstrong, independent women have it tough in personal relationships...Or then find a man who can handle you. Ah well ... someday! He's the guide and whenever I have refused to listen to what he has told me, I have regretted.

20. My first drink was with him when I was in my 9th standard. It was rum and thums up. Still remains my fav poison. Mum accidentally discovered my thums up was spiked and both of us had it. But then it became a normal thing for us. I used to make his drink once I was in college and until the time he gave me a chance to do it for him.

21. He was an empath, highly intuitive and had premonitions. And I have inherited it from him. We can sense every breath, understand body language, every eye movement makes sense to us and every nerve ticking in a human's body talks to us. We know it much before a close one's passing away, a birth, a transformation, a huge change that's about to happen and many such things that cannot be explained. He knew this about me and had told me, I will have a very very tough and a beautiful life ahead. I sure do!!!  I have with time worked too hard to not let other people's emotions (unless close circle) impact me, and yet I stand in my full vulnerable and emotional glory, pouring my heart onto paper. He could read every line on my face and knew exactly what was bothering me, including hunger. He knew before hand if i was going to get fever or if i was falling in love with someone.

Its not easy, but he holds my hand through all of this.

 

22. He used to love my friends. Would go out of his way to make them comfortable at home, if he was very fond of them. Many of my male friends would even come home for lunch etc when I was not at home and he would look after them.

 

There is probably not a single day when I have not thought about him. I miss him more on some days than other days! But such is life. All good people leave early. He passed away in my arms, cardiac arrest. I will always always be his strong daughter. That's how he brought me up and that's how he left me.

 

Many many more things to put down here .... But a part two will happen, shortly. Very soon :)

Closures!

 

Closures

And they come in at the most unexpected time,

When you are in the middle of a concert and the song gets your soul,

It knocks the door when you are alone at home,

It says hello when you are with a group of friends, and something someone said made sense,

When you are on a vacation and the sunset showed you the path to the next day,

It says hey, you will heal, when you were drowning it all on the pillow in the night,

When a child offers a candy and everything after that tastes nice,

When a friend posts something and it breaks the walls of the heart,

It walks through the doors of that pub and says, Hi, can I buy you a drink?

It conceals itself in the mad laughter of the college friends,

When the flower blooms and hope is revived,

When the dark skies turns into the hues of dawn and faith is restored,

When the winters turn to summers and grief turns into acceptance,

It is not just for the partner who distanced, but also the friend who chose to go quiet,

The parent who became a star, the job that ditched you when you needed it the most,

The friend who did not turn up for your pet’s funeral, the first car that you had to sell,

The pet who left you after years of togetherness, the home that you had to leave after marriage,

The sibling who left the country and does not keep in touch,

The lover who went back to his wife, the boss who favored someone else for a promotion,

The child who never got the trust of his parent, the student who did not know why his teacher didn't like him,

It is a series of closures that happen over the years,

That is how it happens … never a single shot of Tequila!

It takes many decanters of single malts, to be sipped slowly,

Over many moon lit nights,

To close the door, that last time, to never open again! Or,

To keep the door open, forever wishing not to have the desire for any more closures ever again!

 

The other side of Marriage .... Starts with Obituaries!!

Hello!!!

Introduction:

The Other Side of Marriage ... as the topic indicates is about the journey post my divorce, so far and until I probably find a life partner again. (Yeah, yeah, am hopeful, don't laugh/smirk/be surprised!!! Wait for a post on this one too!!)

Why do I want to write about something so personal? Because the times have changed, and I am okay with sharing some of my personal moments depicting the other side of things. There is a lot of good, happy, peaceful to it and there is plenty of turmoil, loneliness and strength too. It depends on perspective. I want to put my thoughts on paper because I am not embarrassed or dejected over what happened. There has been immense learning in many areas of the "unknown". The intent is not to go back to the reasons of the breaking of my marriage. The intent is to write about what, why and how things shape up later. No shaming the ex or the relationship I once had with him. He's a good friend now and is doing his best to be a long distance Dad. 

I will write on this topic, until I feel I have said what i needed to !!! You are welcome to comment, share your thoughts (in public or in private with me), disagree, dislike or even hate me. Its all okay :)

___________________________________________________________________________

So it happened on 18th Jan 2011. And probably I have stated this before, that the journey back to your self-respect is the lonnnnngeesssst one !!! Those 4 hours, spent in the car, traveling back to Pune, alone .... were the most scariest. I had finished my hearing, the divorce was granted, I broke down in the court premises, he and our lawyer managed it well. There was no venom by the time we had reached the final hearing. All the biting, beating, fighting, name-calling, shaming and every other negative emotion was already spent in the 3-4 years before this day. After I left the Thane court, I went to Bandra to meet one of my close friends for coffee. Reason!! I wanted to know if people were still around and if I had developed a tail or a horn on my nose after all this. If things had really changed or was I still THAT girl, the same girl who grew up dreaming of a typical Indian marriage, with happy kids, and a pet dog in it. I don't know why I went to meet my friend, but the coffee tasted nice. And then the journey, BACK HOME, began.

During the travel, I remember sending Thank You Sms's to very few of my close friends who had been a part of my struggle during my separation and stood by me like they were born to do this. They advised, guided, took me out for that coffee, helped understand the legal system or some who were "just there" ... were all thanked. If I missed thanking anyone from the list that day, I thank you now.

At home, that night, Mum was silent. She didn't know what to ask / tell me. She only had tears in her eyes and asked me if I wanted dinner. I ate. Went to my room with Dev in my arms and made a promise to him. That I will try to be a good parent, a good SINGLE parent. Hugged him the tightest that night, because it dawned on me that I was lucky to have his custody. Was awake most part of the night ... a few of my colleagues and friends who knew about the event were inquiring if I had reached home and was okay. Slept.

I got up, with an empty feeling ... there was nothing to fight for, that day. No one to send a nasty sms to!! Nothing to save ... enormous amount of weird, eerie silence everywhere. The marriage that was on ventilator for too long, was pronounced dead the day before and I realized it many hours later. Its that tired feeling, when you have been looking after a diseased patient too long. And you still cry and despair when the plug is pulled off. You aren't celebrating or dancing, you are mad that you didn't get another day to keep it alive.

 Had to face Mum again and there was condolence written all over her face. We both avoided talking about it, that day and for many weeks to follow. And in between, I heard the first obituary .... 

The voice on the other side said, "I am sorry to hear about it ... Sorry that its over". Ah well, why do I call it an obituary, here's why ... 

"He and you were such a wonderful pair, never realized things would turn out like this. Marriages are supposed to be a life time thing, but its all destiny at the end of the day.... etc etc etc etc ..." I usually zoned out after the first few sentences ... into a well of my own ... into the dark place called as "consequences of your decision". Something had permanently moved inside me.

It reminds you of the loss, the good of it, probably also makes you feel a shirker, and one doesn't know how to react. When someone dies at least there is a hug, there was none here. I was searching for the most appropriate response. What do I say ... "Its okay"? Thank you for the call? Keep nodding and saying yes yes?? A part of me, also agreed with what they were all saying. Its the feeling of helplessness, the lack of control, or something you thought would never happen to you.  

It didn't stop with that one phone call. It was the beginning. The word spreads, you see. People get to know, in the family, at work, in the neighborhood. And unlike a real death where all condolences, mostly, get over in that 12-13 days, here it goes on. And on, and on and on. Still does. It depends on when the other person discovers about your divorce. You can see people's expression changing into a horrid, "Oh shit, I didn't expect you to be the odd ball". And many times, something that sounds like, "I am so sorry to hear about your loss".

The first few months, for me, the condolences and obituaries, hit hard. Very very hard.
Every obituary sounded the same and each ended differently.

Some endings listed, and how I look at them NOW - :)

1. Hope you find someone soon (Still hope to, LOL!)

2. I hope you are going to be able to pull this off (Maybe, dont know)

3. What about Dev, now? (Yes, that's the only one that bothered me for a very long time)

4. Hope hes paid you enough. (Yes, for three lifetimes)

5. Are you getting Alimony? (Yes, so much, I could buy a penthouse in LA)

6. IF you don't have anyone else in your life, why did you let him go? (Because, I thought, he wont go!)

7. Dont be in a hurry to find someone new (No, wait, I am dying to)

8. Is he going to "fund" Dev? (Is he a project?)

9. You should think of getting married again ... (Wasn't one enough? Don't get confused, I said I want a life partner, not a husband again, please!)

And to each one of this, I had to respond. In some way. A smile or a word, or an ignore, or many times sentences and occasionally an explanation. And then social media ... People read things and read things that dont exist, never happened and write obituaries like my life had just been hit by a Tsunami. I almost reacted, for the first few months, like a natural calamity victim. 

I also had to respond to, the awkward silences. When the other person didnt say anything after hearing of my divorce. I still had to smile and carry on. Wondering, ab kya karoon? Kitni der tak smile karoon? And the other person would have this cold dead look, like I had just turned into either a Goddess or a Chudail. I love meeting these kinds.

Not many were interested in finding out, how I really was !! If I was hurting, missing him, okay without him, if i need help, or if I was keeping okay health-wise.
 
The saga continued, until I met that first person who didn't offer condolence, and asked me ... "Are you happy?", and I took some time to answer. I had to think, a lot. And I didn't have an answer. And he said, "Its okay to say YES." I was still speechless. He said, "Take your time, think about it and tell yourself when you have the answer."

I took many months to go back to myself and say, "I don't regret it. IF that is equal to being at peace, then I am. Sometimes that is more important than being happy."


After that day, I remember replying to each condolence and to every obituary with a different note and ending.... 

1. Don't be sorry, I am not.

2. Dev is fine and loves his Dad.

3. I don't discuss my finances.

4. If and when I find someone, people who matter will know.

5. I let this end, because we both wanted it that way.

6. Life was never meant to be easy or difficult, its just different for each one of us.

Etc ... etc ... etc.... 

7. To the cold dead ones, I tap on their shoulder or smile and start walking.

You learn to respond, in a way that helps you smile better, that makes you shine brighter.
You accept obituaries, much much after too, with a feeling of gratitude that you don't despair anymore.
 
Many years later, very recently, I went to collect a food parcel from a favorite joint of mine and met its owner for the first time. When he asked me the same question, "Are you Happy?", I answered in a split second, "Yes I am happy". Its then that I realized, "I have moved on". Not to another person, but moved on to living a content life.

The journey from burial the of a marriage to the rebirth of your self - respect, is indeed a long one. But when you reach there, its the touch of the soft baby feet and the lovely smell of the first rain. Its many rainbows at one time and plenty of butterflies in your pocket.


Signing off for now, come back for more !!