...... picking up from where I ended my last note - A friend of mine, flamboyant, while he was single, made huge lifestyle changes when he got married. The girl who had a past too .... but he believed in the 'saat-pheras'. He expected her to change as well .... not sure if this was spoken or not. When he found a few months down the line, that she was meeting / was in touch with her ex ... it broke him, completely. They have separated now and the man wont believe in the woman-kind ever, I think.
By the way, trust is not a gender owned trait .. both men and women get hurt and both are equally sensitive to people's frivolousness!
Trust and Faith! My favorite point of discussion .... very relative! Who decides how much faith one should have in the spouse? The one who breaks it is the one who moves on faster, they think :). The one who is the victim, waits, for the dust to settle down. Whatever happened to the concept of being close, talking to each other about everything, not being scared of opening up. If you can share your deepest fears and the weakest moments with your partner, are you vulnerable? How?? Tricks and games in a marriage is more common than in extra marital affairs. That's a big statement to make, however, it is increasingly becoming that! Knowing that there is someone to stand-by you, through thick and thin, for a long time to come makes a huge difference. How many of us can say this with 'confidence' about the partner?
Frivolous behavior and flamboyance was a thing of the rich and famous once. It has now trickled down to everyone .... its a matter of pride to score! Promiscuity and infidelity is 'IN'. How long will a marriage last, if one partner is happy being casual and the other expects commitment at all levels? Trust will get played with! How many of us want to walk up-to the spouse and accept that 'I have broken your trust' .... ? Do partners realise that they are, really, crossing the line? Another point to consider, maybe trust is not what it used to be a few years back. Either we are making silly jokes on marriages or we are taking it to extreme dramatic levels like they show in the 'K' serials on television. Was trust not supposed to be the grain of the fabric of all relationships? Is trust today a 'value-added' service with a premium cost?
We have become increasingly self-dependent. Or should I say, some are happy being alone? I have been asocial since I was a kid. I have very few thick friends, who matter! I can be very friendly because of the profession I was / am in ... but that still doesnt make me a very social person. I used to spend hours alone at a CCD / Barista .... reading a book or watching life around me! So can a party animal be happy with a loner? :) Can a loner change his habits to become an adventurer? Internet, BBM, chats, social networking sites give us access to a lot of other people .... and a virtual world of friendship even love, thrives. Is it good or bad.... right or wrong ... Mr Sibal is anyways blurting nonsense on this topic, so at least I will stay away from being judgmental. Its for an individual to decide how much we let ourselves be exposed to elements that take us away from the real world especially the family and partner! Technology is an enabler ... facilitator .... to make our lives easy and convenient .... not replace relationships! I have seen people locked in a room, spending hours in chat rooms and on internet searching for things that, I hope, keeps them happy and content :). Being alone is different than being lonely ... however, sometimes people end up crossing that fine line. Fake identities, false names, misrepresentation of facts, low self-esteem, bargaining of love & feelings - too many things go wrong in the virtual world. It takes a lot of effort and wisdom to stay away from the virtual temptations. Can a partner understand the need of the other to be engrossed even involved with someone in a virtual world. Who and how does one know when these virtual relationships translate into more? A lot is shared over the chat/internet, intimate discussions, personal stuff and then we call ourselves loyally married.... another discussion for another post.
The little things - matter!! This note, below, was sent to me by a colleague and a dear friend. Pasting it as-is.
"The secret to closeness in marriage is not sparkling conversation or shared interests or incredible sex. As good as those are, the secret is practising plain, old-fashioned thoughtfulness and kindness. It's the stuff we learn when we're young and forget when we're too busy: things like respect, sensitivity, attentiveness and caring. If your marriage needs a tune-up, start doing these four things. First, practise 'hug therapy'. When you're at odds with each other, remember this: 'Hearts may agree though heads differ.' A hug works wonders. When we touch one another in caring ways our bodies actually produce chemicals that calm us emotionally and help us to bond physically. God designed us that way. Secondly, don't forget the small stuff. When you routinely build little kindnesses into your marriage they become a source of strength later; it's like money in the bank you can draw on. So think 'personal' and 'sweet', like helping to clean up after dinner, making the bed, walking the dog or putting out the bins. Thirdly, mind your manners. Just because you're married doesn't mean common courtesy should go by the wayside. That means listening without interrupting, and practising the basics like saying, 'Please,' 'Thank you' and 'I'm sorry'. This stuff's not rocket science, but it works! Finally, compliment each other. Your marriage partner is not a mind reader. Whenever you think something nice about them, tell them! We live in a cold, competitive world; hearing that we're loved, smart, attractive and fun from someone whose opinion we really value means everything.
Love & Kindness Always!"
Too exposed, too young! School children, teen agers, today are of a different breed. Money, technology, parties, the retail revolution, global education, opportunities, enterpreunership rising, changed family dynamics, easy access to pornography, financial independence at an early age etc.... are not pointing towards a long marital relationship! Marriage maybe, how long, how many years, how intense, questionable! Why would the kids who are twenty years younger than me want to get married? Being in love and out of love is experienced and done with by the time they are 15. There is no sexual reward either in sticking onto a partner, as its all done and over with much before the third date. Traveling to other countries for education and work exposes them to the 'acceptable' in other countries and forces them to question 'why not in India?' Live-in relationships are on the rise and it just proves that younger generations are thinking about marriage or rather a no-marriage more seriously.
Class, sets us apart!! I didnt believe in this until 3 years back. Drastic differences in family backgrounds, cultures, financial status, lifestyles and values makes it that much more harder to stay married. It needs both partners and a support system to continue being together. Respect for money, valuing a steady job, maintaining a home, raising children the right way - all this contributes to a healthy married life. Having a common ground is vital. The two partners have to understand their shortcomings in the given circumstances a little better. The same difference in the class can actually turn out to be an advantage, if managed well. In today's world, while the middle class is not exactly that, there is still a gap between them and the rich. The mental framework has changed but not completely. We have become a faulty plug, that keeps sparking abruptly. We can neither become as rash as the rich nor as traditional as we used to be. Trying to break-free and mostly failing! So if your parents and your ancestors have been middle class, there is that much more melodrama in every relationship. The parents are stuck in 1980s .... and the children are already in 2020. Worse if both partners are from different classes and cultures with an old-time mindset! Doomsday!
Women nag and men cheat! Really?? A woman is a woman and a man is a man, deal with it! Dont find excuses to cheat. And I know men who nag and I know enough women who have cheated. I have been in then man's shoes for a long time now, and I know its tough. As a single mother and the only child for my mother I dont have the time to throw nakhras around. Does that make me a good woman? Or a less woman? I dont understand the macho men and the dainty chicks. Partners use gender traits to complain and to find faults. This has increased with the so-called concept of 'feminism' and 'maleism'. In reality, do men really loathe women the way its depicted in the jokes that keep floating around? Do women really worship their man as much as they show in the tv serials? Their is too much fog in the air and it adds to the confusion of the younger breeds. Finding fault is a habit. Got nothing to do with the gender. Men gossip more than women and women try to be more macho than men. Life is such! Do we really acknowledge the positives of each gender when things are going wrong? Do we know the strengths that each gender possess and use it to the benefit of a relationship? Marriages become the battlefield where gender characteristics become weapons to win the war. Be a man (goes for women too!) and accept the issues on hand instead of playing the blame game.
Will one upmanship allow any realtionship to grow and last long? More such questions to be asked...more answers to be found .... today's party scene ... corporate culture ... concept of office spouse ...etc are all asking us to think about our need for being married! Do we really want to be there!?
More in the next ... for now ... have a happy sunday!
