It’s been long since I wrote last ... just been busy with my son and my job! It’s a mid-week break today and a few hours of complete silence allow me to write - again!
Last time I said, I will talk about the other things that make marriages go in the 'doubt' zone... and this is true for married couples as well as those who are contemplating marriage (may not be the first marriage!) ....
Corporate culture.... most of us spend at least 10-14 hours of a day outside home, at work / for work. A lot of us have travelling profiles.... a partner on every port? It used to be true for the sailor lot ... but has crept in the other regular jobs as well. Not true for everyone, but successfully explored by many. The one you are seeing while you travel to that location, may not be an office person, however, can be someone you met over a social networking site, a forgotten friend, or one that you went looking for in a chat-room on Internet. A paid trip where there is no one to track your time ... or your privacy ... it’s easier to be that much more adventurous. This is just one tiny aspect of it. There is another concept of the 'office spouse’....
Courtesy Wikipedia -
A work spouse is a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage; such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness. The work spouse is a potentially key relationship when one's actual spouse or boy/girlfriend is not able to be there.
Office spouse was supposed to be a lighter term when it started making rounds in the work world ... originated in 1930s. However, does it stop at that? There are subconscious comparisons with the real spouse and may lead to dissatisfaction, disloyalty and even a permanent shift in the relationship if not handled carefully.
Is there a need to have an office spouse? Maybe, yes! The long hours spent at work, partners being from different fields of work and not being able to relate to each others' work areas, an office spouse does help. However, in such situations, what happens to the partner back home? Is the communication channel open? Is your office spouse allowed to visit home and meet your wife/ husband? Do you socialize with each other outside office, just you two? What is the effect of this on your marriage? The situation may be worse if the other partner is a home-maker!
Considering todays work culture, is it really possible to upkeep a marriage?
Have seen some marriages where the children don’t see their parents together at home for weeks, one is always/usually away! Merchant navy is the classic example. Does this make the kids believe that this kind of marriage is 'normal'? If Dad is away, mom keeps home, brings up kids, manages life and stays happy ... so when I get married, my wife will be able to manage it too. Don’t kids tend to generalize? Do we as today's parents realize what effect it is having on our kids to see the kind of marriages around us and inside the home too? Either we start explaining and talking about this very clearly to our children or let them believe what they want to and end up as confused adults. Having said this, it’s another topic for another post :)
Coming back to corporate lifestyles and marriages ... if one wants the raise, the other wants it too. If one is working his ass off for that promotion, the other is too ... however, how much we take each other for granted is for us to decide. I know of a lady who made her husband leave his job and current work location as she was getting a better job opportunity elsewhere. The husband leaves his current job and moves to the other location before the wife does.... the wife lands there almost 4 months later. And in two months flat, she comes back to Pune for another promotion / job change. The husband and in-laws co-operate and support, again. The child was being brought up by the guy and his parents all the while... nothing wrong in it - it’s an excellent example of how a couple supports each others' aspirations. However, it just gave the woman the wrong notion that the guy can be taken for granted the way she wants and to the extent she likes. Besides, did anyone ask the guy what was the price that he had to pay in terms of his own career? And how close is the child to his mother today? How much do we compromise to keep the other happy is different than how much do we compromise to keep SELF happy!!! In any case, the marriage is on the rocks!
When a strong sense of intense individuality and freedom is "the" most appreciated factor in one's life.... can a marriage survive? While saying this I am not promoting a gender or advertising traditional marriage - however, I am definitely talking of today's work culture adding fuel to the individuality fire.
Another example, where the couple doesn’t meet each other for days due to their traveling work profiles. They are the weekend couple. Are they happy together? They have learnt to accept each other as friends or companions who have 4-5 things in common and that’s good to survive...This is good, since it works for them ... and they have probably discussed this clearly to be happy together instead of being happy alone. Good, if it works.
Discuss all priorities and each others' goals and needs. And this has to be done every quarter like a performance review at work. List down the key result areas of your marriage and rate it to know if you are on the right track every few months... don’t do a rating at the end of the marriage trying to justify that you did a good job and your partner didn’t see it!!!
If you are the kind who wants to travel, spend 20 hours for work in a day, not look after any of the house chores, not participate in the kid's upbringing etc ... think twice if you are the kind to be tied down in a marriage? Will it work for you if your partner wants the same things too? Will it work for you if your partner wants a traditional marriage!!! Will you be able to handle an office spouse? It may be better to delay marriage or stay single rather than spoil the peace and content of any soul in question!
Everyone deserves a loving and a dedicated partner.... marriage or not :)
Dedication and loyalties ... to be discussed in the next post.... Have a happy holiday today!
Last time I said, I will talk about the other things that make marriages go in the 'doubt' zone... and this is true for married couples as well as those who are contemplating marriage (may not be the first marriage!) ....
Corporate culture.... most of us spend at least 10-14 hours of a day outside home, at work / for work. A lot of us have travelling profiles.... a partner on every port? It used to be true for the sailor lot ... but has crept in the other regular jobs as well. Not true for everyone, but successfully explored by many. The one you are seeing while you travel to that location, may not be an office person, however, can be someone you met over a social networking site, a forgotten friend, or one that you went looking for in a chat-room on Internet. A paid trip where there is no one to track your time ... or your privacy ... it’s easier to be that much more adventurous. This is just one tiny aspect of it. There is another concept of the 'office spouse’....
Courtesy Wikipedia -
A work spouse is a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage; such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness. The work spouse is a potentially key relationship when one's actual spouse or boy/girlfriend is not able to be there.
Office spouse was supposed to be a lighter term when it started making rounds in the work world ... originated in 1930s. However, does it stop at that? There are subconscious comparisons with the real spouse and may lead to dissatisfaction, disloyalty and even a permanent shift in the relationship if not handled carefully.
Is there a need to have an office spouse? Maybe, yes! The long hours spent at work, partners being from different fields of work and not being able to relate to each others' work areas, an office spouse does help. However, in such situations, what happens to the partner back home? Is the communication channel open? Is your office spouse allowed to visit home and meet your wife/ husband? Do you socialize with each other outside office, just you two? What is the effect of this on your marriage? The situation may be worse if the other partner is a home-maker!
Considering todays work culture, is it really possible to upkeep a marriage?
Have seen some marriages where the children don’t see their parents together at home for weeks, one is always/usually away! Merchant navy is the classic example. Does this make the kids believe that this kind of marriage is 'normal'? If Dad is away, mom keeps home, brings up kids, manages life and stays happy ... so when I get married, my wife will be able to manage it too. Don’t kids tend to generalize? Do we as today's parents realize what effect it is having on our kids to see the kind of marriages around us and inside the home too? Either we start explaining and talking about this very clearly to our children or let them believe what they want to and end up as confused adults. Having said this, it’s another topic for another post :)
Coming back to corporate lifestyles and marriages ... if one wants the raise, the other wants it too. If one is working his ass off for that promotion, the other is too ... however, how much we take each other for granted is for us to decide. I know of a lady who made her husband leave his job and current work location as she was getting a better job opportunity elsewhere. The husband leaves his current job and moves to the other location before the wife does.... the wife lands there almost 4 months later. And in two months flat, she comes back to Pune for another promotion / job change. The husband and in-laws co-operate and support, again. The child was being brought up by the guy and his parents all the while... nothing wrong in it - it’s an excellent example of how a couple supports each others' aspirations. However, it just gave the woman the wrong notion that the guy can be taken for granted the way she wants and to the extent she likes. Besides, did anyone ask the guy what was the price that he had to pay in terms of his own career? And how close is the child to his mother today? How much do we compromise to keep the other happy is different than how much do we compromise to keep SELF happy!!! In any case, the marriage is on the rocks!
When a strong sense of intense individuality and freedom is "the" most appreciated factor in one's life.... can a marriage survive? While saying this I am not promoting a gender or advertising traditional marriage - however, I am definitely talking of today's work culture adding fuel to the individuality fire.
Another example, where the couple doesn’t meet each other for days due to their traveling work profiles. They are the weekend couple. Are they happy together? They have learnt to accept each other as friends or companions who have 4-5 things in common and that’s good to survive...This is good, since it works for them ... and they have probably discussed this clearly to be happy together instead of being happy alone. Good, if it works.
Discuss all priorities and each others' goals and needs. And this has to be done every quarter like a performance review at work. List down the key result areas of your marriage and rate it to know if you are on the right track every few months... don’t do a rating at the end of the marriage trying to justify that you did a good job and your partner didn’t see it!!!
If you are the kind who wants to travel, spend 20 hours for work in a day, not look after any of the house chores, not participate in the kid's upbringing etc ... think twice if you are the kind to be tied down in a marriage? Will it work for you if your partner wants the same things too? Will it work for you if your partner wants a traditional marriage!!! Will you be able to handle an office spouse? It may be better to delay marriage or stay single rather than spoil the peace and content of any soul in question!
Everyone deserves a loving and a dedicated partner.... marriage or not :)
Dedication and loyalties ... to be discussed in the next post.... Have a happy holiday today!
