Hello!!!
Introduction:
The Other Side of Marriage ... as the topic indicates is about the journey post my divorce, so far and until I probably find a life partner again. (Yeah, yeah, am hopeful, don't laugh/smirk/be surprised!!! Wait for a post on this one too!!)
Why do I want to write about something so personal? Because the times have changed, and I am okay with sharing some of my personal moments depicting the other side of things. There is a lot of good, happy, peaceful to it and there is plenty of turmoil, loneliness and strength too. It depends on perspective. I want to put my thoughts on paper because I am not embarrassed or dejected over what happened. There has been immense learning in many areas of the "unknown". The intent is not to go back to the reasons of the breaking of my marriage. The intent is to write about what, why and how things shape up later. No shaming the ex or the relationship I once had with him. He's a good friend now and is doing his best to be a long distance Dad.
I will write on this topic, until I feel I have said what i needed to !!! You are welcome to comment, share your thoughts (in public or in private with me), disagree, dislike or even hate me. Its all okay :)
___________________________________________________________________________
So it happened on 18th Jan 2011. And probably I have stated this before, that the journey back to your self-respect is the lonnnnngeesssst one !!! Those 4 hours, spent in the car, traveling back to Pune, alone .... were the most scariest. I had finished my hearing, the divorce was granted, I broke down in the court premises, he and our lawyer managed it well. There was no venom by the time we had reached the final hearing. All the biting, beating, fighting, name-calling, shaming and every other negative emotion was already spent in the 3-4 years before this day. After I left the Thane court, I went to Bandra to meet one of my close friends for coffee. Reason!! I wanted to know if people were still around and if I had developed a tail or a horn on my nose after all this. If things had really changed or was I still THAT girl, the same girl who grew up dreaming of a typical Indian marriage, with happy kids, and a pet dog in it. I don't know why I went to meet my friend, but the coffee tasted nice. And then the journey, BACK HOME, began.
During the travel, I remember sending Thank You Sms's to very few of my close friends who had been a part of my struggle during my separation and stood by me like they were born to do this. They advised, guided, took me out for that coffee, helped understand the legal system or some who were "just there" ... were all thanked. If I missed thanking anyone from the list that day, I thank you now.
At home, that night, Mum was silent. She didn't know what to ask / tell me. She only had tears in her eyes and asked me if I wanted dinner. I ate. Went to my room with Dev in my arms and made a promise to him. That I will try to be a good parent, a good SINGLE parent. Hugged him the tightest that night, because it dawned on me that I was lucky to have his custody. Was awake most part of the night ... a few of my colleagues and friends who knew about the event were inquiring if I had reached home and was okay. Slept.
I got up, with an empty feeling ... there was nothing to fight for, that day. No one to send a nasty sms to!! Nothing to save ... enormous amount of weird, eerie silence everywhere. The marriage that was on ventilator for too long, was pronounced dead the day before and I realized it many hours later. Its that tired feeling, when you have been looking after a diseased patient too long. And you still cry and despair when the plug is pulled off. You aren't celebrating or dancing, you are mad that you didn't get another day to keep it alive.
Had to face Mum again and there was condolence written all over her face. We both avoided talking about it, that day and for many weeks to follow. And in between, I heard the first obituary ....
The voice on the other side said, "I am sorry to hear about it ... Sorry that its over". Ah well, why do I call it an obituary, here's why ...
"He and you were such a wonderful pair, never realized things would turn out like this. Marriages are supposed to be a life time thing, but its all destiny at the end of the day.... etc etc etc etc ..." I usually zoned out after the first few sentences ... into a well of my own ... into the dark place called as "consequences of your decision". Something had permanently moved inside me.
It reminds you of the loss, the good of it, probably also makes you feel a shirker, and one doesn't know how to react. When someone dies at least there is a hug, there was none here. I was searching for the most appropriate response. What do I say ... "Its okay"? Thank you for the call? Keep nodding and saying yes yes?? A part of me, also agreed with what they were all saying. Its the feeling of helplessness, the lack of control, or something you thought would never happen to you.
It didn't stop with that one phone call. It was the beginning. The word spreads, you see. People get to know, in the family, at work, in the neighborhood. And unlike a real death where all condolences, mostly, get over in that 12-13 days, here it goes on. And on, and on and on. Still does. It depends on when the other person discovers about your divorce. You can see people's expression changing into a horrid, "Oh shit, I didn't expect you to be the odd ball". And many times, something that sounds like, "I am so sorry to hear about your loss".
The first few months, for me, the condolences and obituaries, hit hard. Very very hard.
Every obituary sounded the same and each ended differently.
Some endings listed, and how I look at them NOW - :)
1. Hope you find someone soon (Still hope to, LOL!)
2. I hope you are going to be able to pull this off (Maybe, dont know)
3. What about Dev, now? (Yes, that's the only one that bothered me for a very long time)
4. Hope hes paid you enough. (Yes, for three lifetimes)
5. Are you getting Alimony? (Yes, so much, I could buy a penthouse in LA)
6. IF you don't have anyone else in your life, why did you let him go? (Because, I thought, he wont go!)
7. Dont be in a hurry to find someone new (No, wait, I am dying to)
8. Is he going to "fund" Dev? (Is he a project?)
9. You should think of getting married again ... (Wasn't one enough? Don't get confused, I said I want a life partner, not a husband again, please!)
And to each one of this, I had to respond. In some way. A smile or a word, or an ignore, or many times sentences and occasionally an explanation. And then social media ... People read things and read things that dont exist, never happened and write obituaries like my life had just been hit by a Tsunami. I almost reacted, for the first few months, like a natural calamity victim.
I also had to respond to, the awkward silences. When the other person didnt say anything after hearing of my divorce. I still had to smile and carry on. Wondering, ab kya karoon? Kitni der tak smile karoon? And the other person would have this cold dead look, like I had just turned into either a Goddess or a Chudail. I love meeting these kinds.
Not many were interested in finding out, how I really was !! If I was hurting, missing him, okay without him, if i need help, or if I was keeping okay health-wise.
The saga continued, until I met that first person who didn't offer condolence, and asked me ... "Are you happy?", and I took some time to answer. I had to think, a lot. And I didn't have an answer. And he said, "Its okay to say YES." I was still speechless. He said, "Take your time, think about it and tell yourself when you have the answer."
I took many months to go back to myself and say, "I don't regret it. IF that is equal to being at peace, then I am. Sometimes that is more important than being happy."
After that day, I remember replying to each condolence and to every obituary with a different note and ending....
1. Don't be sorry, I am not.
2. Dev is fine and loves his Dad.
3. I don't discuss my finances.
4. If and when I find someone, people who matter will know.
5. I let this end, because we both wanted it that way.
6. Life was never meant to be easy or difficult, its just different for each one of us.
Etc ... etc ... etc....
7. To the cold dead ones, I tap on their shoulder or smile and start walking.
You learn to respond, in a way that helps you smile better, that makes you shine brighter.
You accept obituaries, much much after too, with a feeling of gratitude that you don't despair anymore.
Many years later, very recently, I went to collect a food parcel from a favorite joint of mine and met its owner for the first time. When he asked me the same question, "Are you Happy?", I answered in a split second, "Yes I am happy". Its then that I realized, "I have moved on". Not to another person, but moved on to living a content life.
The journey from burial the of a marriage to the rebirth of your self - respect, is indeed a long one. But when you reach there, its the touch of the soft baby feet and the lovely smell of the first rain. Its many rainbows at one time and plenty of butterflies in your pocket.
Signing off for now, come back for more !!
Introduction:
The Other Side of Marriage ... as the topic indicates is about the journey post my divorce, so far and until I probably find a life partner again. (Yeah, yeah, am hopeful, don't laugh/smirk/be surprised!!! Wait for a post on this one too!!)
Why do I want to write about something so personal? Because the times have changed, and I am okay with sharing some of my personal moments depicting the other side of things. There is a lot of good, happy, peaceful to it and there is plenty of turmoil, loneliness and strength too. It depends on perspective. I want to put my thoughts on paper because I am not embarrassed or dejected over what happened. There has been immense learning in many areas of the "unknown". The intent is not to go back to the reasons of the breaking of my marriage. The intent is to write about what, why and how things shape up later. No shaming the ex or the relationship I once had with him. He's a good friend now and is doing his best to be a long distance Dad.
I will write on this topic, until I feel I have said what i needed to !!! You are welcome to comment, share your thoughts (in public or in private with me), disagree, dislike or even hate me. Its all okay :)
___________________________________________________________________________
So it happened on 18th Jan 2011. And probably I have stated this before, that the journey back to your self-respect is the lonnnnngeesssst one !!! Those 4 hours, spent in the car, traveling back to Pune, alone .... were the most scariest. I had finished my hearing, the divorce was granted, I broke down in the court premises, he and our lawyer managed it well. There was no venom by the time we had reached the final hearing. All the biting, beating, fighting, name-calling, shaming and every other negative emotion was already spent in the 3-4 years before this day. After I left the Thane court, I went to Bandra to meet one of my close friends for coffee. Reason!! I wanted to know if people were still around and if I had developed a tail or a horn on my nose after all this. If things had really changed or was I still THAT girl, the same girl who grew up dreaming of a typical Indian marriage, with happy kids, and a pet dog in it. I don't know why I went to meet my friend, but the coffee tasted nice. And then the journey, BACK HOME, began.
During the travel, I remember sending Thank You Sms's to very few of my close friends who had been a part of my struggle during my separation and stood by me like they were born to do this. They advised, guided, took me out for that coffee, helped understand the legal system or some who were "just there" ... were all thanked. If I missed thanking anyone from the list that day, I thank you now.
At home, that night, Mum was silent. She didn't know what to ask / tell me. She only had tears in her eyes and asked me if I wanted dinner. I ate. Went to my room with Dev in my arms and made a promise to him. That I will try to be a good parent, a good SINGLE parent. Hugged him the tightest that night, because it dawned on me that I was lucky to have his custody. Was awake most part of the night ... a few of my colleagues and friends who knew about the event were inquiring if I had reached home and was okay. Slept.
I got up, with an empty feeling ... there was nothing to fight for, that day. No one to send a nasty sms to!! Nothing to save ... enormous amount of weird, eerie silence everywhere. The marriage that was on ventilator for too long, was pronounced dead the day before and I realized it many hours later. Its that tired feeling, when you have been looking after a diseased patient too long. And you still cry and despair when the plug is pulled off. You aren't celebrating or dancing, you are mad that you didn't get another day to keep it alive.
Had to face Mum again and there was condolence written all over her face. We both avoided talking about it, that day and for many weeks to follow. And in between, I heard the first obituary ....
The voice on the other side said, "I am sorry to hear about it ... Sorry that its over". Ah well, why do I call it an obituary, here's why ...
"He and you were such a wonderful pair, never realized things would turn out like this. Marriages are supposed to be a life time thing, but its all destiny at the end of the day.... etc etc etc etc ..." I usually zoned out after the first few sentences ... into a well of my own ... into the dark place called as "consequences of your decision". Something had permanently moved inside me.
It reminds you of the loss, the good of it, probably also makes you feel a shirker, and one doesn't know how to react. When someone dies at least there is a hug, there was none here. I was searching for the most appropriate response. What do I say ... "Its okay"? Thank you for the call? Keep nodding and saying yes yes?? A part of me, also agreed with what they were all saying. Its the feeling of helplessness, the lack of control, or something you thought would never happen to you.
It didn't stop with that one phone call. It was the beginning. The word spreads, you see. People get to know, in the family, at work, in the neighborhood. And unlike a real death where all condolences, mostly, get over in that 12-13 days, here it goes on. And on, and on and on. Still does. It depends on when the other person discovers about your divorce. You can see people's expression changing into a horrid, "Oh shit, I didn't expect you to be the odd ball". And many times, something that sounds like, "I am so sorry to hear about your loss".
The first few months, for me, the condolences and obituaries, hit hard. Very very hard.
Every obituary sounded the same and each ended differently.
Some endings listed, and how I look at them NOW - :)
1. Hope you find someone soon (Still hope to, LOL!)
2. I hope you are going to be able to pull this off (Maybe, dont know)
3. What about Dev, now? (Yes, that's the only one that bothered me for a very long time)
4. Hope hes paid you enough. (Yes, for three lifetimes)
5. Are you getting Alimony? (Yes, so much, I could buy a penthouse in LA)
6. IF you don't have anyone else in your life, why did you let him go? (Because, I thought, he wont go!)
7. Dont be in a hurry to find someone new (No, wait, I am dying to)
8. Is he going to "fund" Dev? (Is he a project?)
9. You should think of getting married again ... (Wasn't one enough? Don't get confused, I said I want a life partner, not a husband again, please!)
And to each one of this, I had to respond. In some way. A smile or a word, or an ignore, or many times sentences and occasionally an explanation. And then social media ... People read things and read things that dont exist, never happened and write obituaries like my life had just been hit by a Tsunami. I almost reacted, for the first few months, like a natural calamity victim.
I also had to respond to, the awkward silences. When the other person didnt say anything after hearing of my divorce. I still had to smile and carry on. Wondering, ab kya karoon? Kitni der tak smile karoon? And the other person would have this cold dead look, like I had just turned into either a Goddess or a Chudail. I love meeting these kinds.
Not many were interested in finding out, how I really was !! If I was hurting, missing him, okay without him, if i need help, or if I was keeping okay health-wise.
The saga continued, until I met that first person who didn't offer condolence, and asked me ... "Are you happy?", and I took some time to answer. I had to think, a lot. And I didn't have an answer. And he said, "Its okay to say YES." I was still speechless. He said, "Take your time, think about it and tell yourself when you have the answer."
I took many months to go back to myself and say, "I don't regret it. IF that is equal to being at peace, then I am. Sometimes that is more important than being happy."
After that day, I remember replying to each condolence and to every obituary with a different note and ending....
1. Don't be sorry, I am not.
2. Dev is fine and loves his Dad.
3. I don't discuss my finances.
4. If and when I find someone, people who matter will know.
5. I let this end, because we both wanted it that way.
6. Life was never meant to be easy or difficult, its just different for each one of us.
Etc ... etc ... etc....
7. To the cold dead ones, I tap on their shoulder or smile and start walking.
You learn to respond, in a way that helps you smile better, that makes you shine brighter.
You accept obituaries, much much after too, with a feeling of gratitude that you don't despair anymore.
Many years later, very recently, I went to collect a food parcel from a favorite joint of mine and met its owner for the first time. When he asked me the same question, "Are you Happy?", I answered in a split second, "Yes I am happy". Its then that I realized, "I have moved on". Not to another person, but moved on to living a content life.
The journey from burial the of a marriage to the rebirth of your self - respect, is indeed a long one. But when you reach there, its the touch of the soft baby feet and the lovely smell of the first rain. Its many rainbows at one time and plenty of butterflies in your pocket.
