Till death do us apart .... part 4

Itching to write. The idle time got my braincells charging again. Sorry have stayed away too long from writing ... and I miss hearing from some of you.

Till death do us apart is a multi-part series. I don't intend to change the rules of marriage for anyone and neither am I here to send out marriage commandments. I only express my thoughts and also sometimes "speak on demand" and what I want to discuss today is loyalty / open marriages and relationships / friends with benefits etc.

What does being loyal mean in any relationship?

I think being exclusively committed to your partner in every way is loyalty, for me. And no, this is not the wrong or the right definition, its just what I believe in. And I have heard different versions of that. Some think that being emotionally loyal to the partner is "sufficient", one can be sexually involved with multiple people. In other words, "no strings attached" / friends with benefits etc. Some say as long as we go back home to the same partner each day, what I do outside shouldn't matter to anyone. There are a few who have deeper relationships outside marriage and continue to stay married for the sake of kids. And no these are not gender-specific. Both men and women today practise their "convenient" loyalties with their partners / spouse.

Questions -

# can someone ever be truly detached with a friend who is offering the benefits?

# Is it possible to stay totally detached from an office spouse on an emotional and mental level?

# Don't open relationships ask for too many compromises?

# Who decides and knows when someone has crossed that line and is cheating?

# Does one know what is going to be the effect of this self-declared loyalty on the partner or the spouse?

# What happens to the respect for each other in such relationships?

And then there are some genuine people who are loyal in every way to their partner/ spouse. Are they old-fashioned? Are they the odd ones out? Are they missing out on some fun, somewhere?

Flip side to this, if someone has genuinely fallen out of love or is in a dead marriage and wants to move on, the world including the spouse finds this strange. Why should my husband / wife move on and end the current marriage / relationship, when I am OK with him/her being "loyal" to me and having fun outside marriage? People in general are hugely underestimating the side effects of open relationships or polygamous behaviour. because there are pockets of people who have accepted the "selective" loyalty concept, men and women think its OK to be casually involved. However, there are some pockets yet, who believe in being monogamous and exclusively committed to the "one" person in their lives.

Promiscuous behaviour today gets pardoned in the name of acceptance of the "casual" concept. In fact, its surprising to note that a lot of people remain in a marriage and are constantly "forgiving" this for their partners.

 

A lot gets discussed about casual sex and how human beings were never supposed to be monogamous!!! It may work if both partners know, understand and accept everything about each others future expectations from the relationship or marriage. Past doesn't matter. But then are all things discussed? Does one anticipate everything about such things? If one of them is entering the relationship or the marriage without fully understanding the meaning of the word "open" (no pun intended), its a disaster in the making. Why get married if open relationship is the need of and for both involved? Live-in. Stay together for as long as it works out and move on gracefully when the openness of the relationship turns into a closed door. What happens to kids? Will the parents be able to give them the right perspective of things if they know about the multiple partners or the lifestyles of their parents? Mind you, nothing remains hidden forever, from anyone.

Friends with benefits - fabulous (maybe) between two single people. What happens if one is married or both are? Nowadays, if someone asks me "are we friends?" my answer usually is "yes, without benefits, please" :D. Its better to be safe than sorry - lol.

And then can someone tell me what is the new definition of "INFIDELITY" and "FRIENDSHIP" please? :)

Dead man walking .... !

Hellos! Hope you guys have been good!

Is human race the only one to save and preserve carcass? We have this penchant of saving the remains! I am aware that there are wild animals who preserve dead animals when they hibernate or for ensuring they have continuous hidden food supply for reasons. National Geographic and Discovery keep educating us on them! And there have been programs/books on why mummification is done in Egypt or other countries and the rationale behind is well explained too.

However, here, I am referring to preserving other types of dead things, like the "notice period" is a classic example. Sometimes there are genuine reasons for keeping a person with the company for the entire notice period ... there may be essential handovers and true transitions from one to another. However, there are many cases, where the notice duration is just another honeymoon period for the employee. Its the best phase of his/her life. No accountability, salary coming in, no timings to be followed and there is no reason apart from fulfilling a company policy to keep him around.

And what happens when one leaves a dead body around? Unattended?? Unkempt?

Stinks, right? Spreads the unwanted, unasked for and most importantly difficult and time-consuming to clean up later!

The resigned employee may use this time to take the entire frustration out, use the company resources to network and look for better jobs, gossip worse than before, use the time to find loopholes in the system to even cause larger damage. And even if s/he wants to leave earlier, it cannot be done, because fear holds us back. Fear of not getting the relieving letter or experience letter, the full and final settlement may get played with, the next company will not accept the reasons behind missing letters, etc.

Sometimes, the relationship with an employee is dead without s/he resigning. You just know you don't want to be there or continue doing the stupidity you have been doing since some time. And yet, neither the employee moves nor does the company lets him!

And so we tolerate a "dead man walking"! And interestingly, fear works on the dead too! Happy "dirt" creation!

The same goes for relationships. Of any kind! Truer for love and marriages!

Two people who have loved and lived certain number of years together, cannot see eye to eye anymore. And have tried their best to resolve the relationship issues. What is 'tried their best' could differ from person to person, however, am presuming it means they have tried all options and alternates. Nothing has worked out. In such situations, what is the right thing to do? Live with a corpse, or move on? And moving on, never necessarily means to another person. It just means moving on from a current gloomy, constant condolence-paying atmosphere to a happier fresh state of mind. Each day an obituary gets written with new words and renewed vigour! Whats the point? Who are we trying to fool?

The only fools are the 'dead' in that relationship. Ah, and then the fear factor: fear of social status, fear of papa aur mummy kya bolengein, fear of office mein kya hoga, fear of losing money and most importantly fear of losing our so-called rights on our children (if you have some!). If its not a marriage and just a love affair, the fears are different. Its the scare of "will i find someone better, soon?". Is there another great guy / girl waiting for me? Will I succeed the next time? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my partner? Woh chaar log kya kahengein! Who are these chaar people! We don't even know their faces and they manage to create a blob of dark mass in our brains.

I know some who are cosy being dead! Comfort zone is a more sophisticated term. Living with a known devil, tolerating known nonsesnse and warmth of known shit is better than the fear of unknown. I call it mental and emotional impotence. Compromises and adjustments are the basis of all relationships. But, one needs to know and draw the line between that and slaughter. How long does one stay content or at peace as a dead wo/man? No feelings, no happiness, falsehood, living dual lives, creating a third world where people play hide and seek, its all short term and superbly detrimental to ones well being.

We do over-analysis of too many factors that probably won't even matter a few months down the line. Stop living a dead relationship, whether it is your job or your marriage or your relationship with your friends or a love affair. People change and so do circumstances. Stop creating a stink and stop breathing it too. There is nothing more important than living a life true to yourself. Your children learn from every step that you took or did not take. Your friends and colleagues watch and learn too. Your team members need a good example to follow.

Negotiate, if need be, to start living again. This is at least possible with your jobs. In personal relationships, it may work, if there is enough breath left in you to revive yourself. Every time you reclaim yourself, there will be a furore. And then the calm after the storm occurs too. Its all a cycle. Live it up!! And negotiations may not necessarily mean, separations or parting or leaving the scene or escapism or abandonment. There are better ways to deal with the situation. And there is a difference between negotiating a compromise and being asked to continuously die in a situation, in the name of adjustments.

One has to pay the price to be able to live. :). Whether you can afford to pay it or not, is an individual decision. AND, if you willingly choose to live a dead life, STOP CRIBBING about it. Don't blame it on the other or on the circumstances. We all have a choice and all choices have consequences.

If you have a problem, get up and fix it (Thanks Gurvinder, for teaching me this! Its not just a line, but a way of living!!).

I leave you today, with this thought - “To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go” - Mary Oliver

Wish you a very Happy Sunday! Live it to the fullest.

5 years .... Mommy is my new definition!

Dev turns 5 on 20th Feb and it still feels like it was yesterday when I first got to know that I was going to become a mommy!!! It was a strange day on 20th Feb 2007 ... went to the hospital for one of my regular check-ups. The doctor told me to stay put at the hospital cos I was going to be delivering the same day. It was a mixed feeling of anxiety and happiness. Someone who has been a part of your body and soul for the last nine months was going to be in my arms ... I was finally going to be able to see my kid...and hold him / her .... Nothing can be compared to that moment .... ever!

He's been my only reason to live, at least, in the last 5 years .... and I have learnt a lot in the last 5 years too! Life for a mother is very difficult and as a single parent it becomes tougher. I struggled through my separation and divorce while Dev was just an infant. Its during that phase of life, that I realised, that being a parent doesn't give you the right to keep the kid. There is a law that dictates who is a good parent. Also, the law of the country favours the mother ... don't know if that is the right thing (another topic for another post)! Fortunately the custody discussion didn't go ugly and Dev didn't have to be torn between 'Who loves him more?' debates!

However, those years taught me a lot about my son .. that he is an individual. Not an object that can be owned... There are a lot of other people in his life, who love him equally if not more ... who would look after him as well as I would, if not better! It prepared me to let him go if that was the need of the hour and the law. Its the most excruciating pain a parent can go through, especially if s/he is the one who has bonded more and better with the child.

His father has his way of being with him and I had to come to terms with the fact that Dev will always need both of us. He made me aware that he has his own life to live and we have to make his life worthwhile for him, in whichever way we can.

Dev managed to convert the workaholic individual in me to a working mother. He taught me how to prioritise my tasks and my life. He brought the madness back in my life. Due to my brother's illness and more so after my brother passed away, I had forgotten to sing, to laugh, to dance and to be "normal" .... Dev got it all back! I am his joker, his favourites songs play list, his dance partner, his play partner and everything else that a child makes out of their parents.

He never gives up and has taught me to not give up on anyone I love! He learnt to be OK when I was travelling. He manages to stay happy when I am busy! He has made me a better person. He makes me a proud mom and helps me be a single parent with whatever little support he can offer. Dev has coped with just one parent being around. Children do adapt and adopt at a faster rate. Not sure if he will be able to manage it with so much ease even when he grows up. But I know if one keeps them away from the melodrama and the unwanted complications of failed relationships, they do grow up to be balanced people.

I have no expectations from him in terms of he looking after me when I grow old. If he can introduce me to his friends and chooses to spend a few days in a year with me, happily, I will be fine with it. I know that he and I will share a happy relationship when he is on his own. There are too many things that go wrong when we have a structured, predefined approach to life. Every child teaches you ten thousand new ways of not following that approach! I have learnt to be flexible and more accepting of human imperfections because of my son.

Thanks Dev for choosing me to be your mommy! You are the angel of my life and I love you more than my life. May God bless you with his choicest blessings!!

Jaago mohan pyaare .... jaago!

The big divide .... 

Between?

The rich and the poor ....

The good and the bad ....

The beautiful and the ugly .....

The fat and the thin ...

The man and the woman .....

Nahhhh .... the one thing that has been a tic in my life since I was a kid ....

"The early risers" vs the kumbhakarans / "sust" characters / lazy bums, i.e., "the late risers"!!!

**This post is strictly in favour of the ones who believe in getting up late.
Note - BELIEVE in getting up late. Its not an event that occurs on one weekend or only when you are tired. You believe in "not" seeing the morning sun, cos you lurveeeeeeeee your sleep :D

Torture used to be bestowed upon me by my parents until I started working ... every morning a bhajan used to be sung in the home .... 'uthja betaaaaa' .... 'dekh subah ho gayi' .... 'get up and have your breakfast' .... and after about an hour of nagging it used to come to ....'uthtee hai ke nahi?' ... and then Dad in my room!!! Khatam, up and out of my bed .... half awake ... pretending to be extremely sorry about getting up late, 'one more time' .... Ok, don't make faces now! And the ones who are like me, laugh out loud :P.

I mean, why do people get up early?? WHY? Health benefits - ah well! Accepted ... and what else? My school timing was 1230 to 630 pm .... my mother used to leave home between 930 and 10am, and for obvious reasons, I used to prefer getting up post she left home. I mean who wants to be asked 10,000 questions early in the morning?!! Dad used to love discussing his morning newspaper headlines with me .... and he mostly missed me for that. Housework or studies was never the reason ... Mom just didn't like someone lying half dead in the house until noon or beyond. Yes beyond 12pm, I mean why is it a problem?

The early risers actually treat the others like they were born on another planet. No, I am not an alien and I will not get up early. Hehe!!

Earlier it was only parents and now its my son ... God is probably giving me opportunities to sudharo myself and I am refusing to learn. Dev gets up quite early and has already given up on me... He goes downstairs to give company to his ever-awake Nani. And when I descend from my room....they look at me as if I had just murdered 4 people in my room, drank their blood and come down for more ... Hello??? I don't bother the early risers, nor do I question their habit (at least didn't, so far!!) ...

So the early risers, are the rich, good and the beautiful ones .... They have the advantage of finishing everything earlier in the day and at the same time get bored until the devils wake up to entertain them. It is practically impossible for a late riser to convert unless there is a life & death situation. For work, I leave home in time. While travelling outside Pune, I get up whatever time I have to and sometimes leave home as early as before 5 am. For exams, I used to get up at 3am to study. I can get up very early for picnics and outings. I used to manage a 7am shift at one time. But showing my face to the rising sun will happen only if needed.

However, biologically some bodies are not engineered to get up early. And some just love sleep ... I am probably one of them. I can doze off in a train, bus or a cab or an auto. I love to doze off when I am travelling to Bombay in the cab and its probably the most satisfying and intense sleep! I am sure God has the two groups wired differently. The early risers probably feel the same way about the other group. And no, we cant explain to anyone how peaceful it is to sleep with so much of noise and buzz around us!!! It probably works like a lullaby ... sachchi!!!


So dear early risers, keep the bhajans going on ..... keep nagging .... call us names .... hum nahi sudhrengein!!! Toxins can stay inside ... green tea hai na! Sun can smile at all the suryanamaskaris ... sandhya aarti hai na .... I am a proud kumbhakaran!!!!

Have a great week ahead guys!!

Till death do us apart .... Part 3

It’s been long since I wrote last ... just been busy with my son and my job! It’s a mid-week break today and a few hours of complete silence allow me to write - again!

Last time I said, I will talk about the other things that make marriages go in the 'doubt' zone... and this is true for married couples as well as those who are contemplating marriage (may not be the first marriage!) ....

Corporate culture.... most of us spend at least 10-14 hours of a day outside home, at work / for work. A lot of us have travelling profiles.... a partner on every port? It used to be true for the sailor lot ... but has crept in the other regular jobs as well. Not true for everyone, but successfully explored by many. The one you are seeing while you travel to that location, may not be an office person, however, can be someone you met over a social networking site, a forgotten friend, or one that you went looking for in a chat-room on Internet. A paid trip where there is no one to track your time ... or your privacy ... it’s easier to be that much more adventurous. This is just one tiny aspect of it. There is another concept of the 'office spouse’....

Courtesy Wikipedia -
A work spouse is a co-worker, usually of the opposite sex, with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage; such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness. The work spouse is a potentially key relationship when one's actual spouse or boy/girlfriend is not able to be there.

Office spouse was supposed to be a lighter term when it started making rounds in the work world ... originated in 1930s. However, does it stop at that? There are subconscious comparisons with the real spouse and may lead to dissatisfaction, disloyalty and even a permanent shift in the relationship if not handled carefully.

Is there a need to have an office spouse? Maybe, yes! The long hours spent at work, partners being from different fields of work and not being able to relate to each others' work areas, an office spouse does help. However, in such situations, what happens to the partner back home? Is the communication channel open? Is your office spouse allowed to visit home and meet your wife/ husband? Do you socialize with each other outside office, just you two? What is the effect of this on your marriage? The situation may be worse if the other partner is a home-maker!

Considering todays work culture, is it really possible to upkeep a marriage?

Have seen some marriages where the children don’t see their parents together at home for weeks, one is always/usually away! Merchant navy is the classic example. Does this make the kids believe that this kind of marriage is 'normal'? If Dad is away, mom keeps home, brings up kids, manages life and stays happy ... so when I get married, my wife will be able to manage it too. Don’t kids tend to generalize? Do we as today's parents realize what effect it is having on our kids to see the kind of marriages around us and inside the home too? Either we start explaining and talking about this very clearly to our children or let them believe what they want to and end up as confused adults. Having said this, it’s another topic for another post :)

Coming back to corporate lifestyles and marriages ... if one wants the raise, the other wants it too. If one is working his ass off for that promotion, the other is too ... however, how much we take each other for granted is for us to decide. I know of a lady who made her husband leave his job and current work location as she was getting a better job opportunity elsewhere. The husband leaves his current job and moves to the other location before the wife does.... the wife lands there almost 4 months later. And in two months flat, she comes back to Pune for another promotion / job change. The husband and in-laws co-operate and support, again. The child was being brought up by the guy and his parents all the while... nothing wrong in it - it’s an excellent example of how a couple supports each others' aspirations. However, it just gave the woman the wrong notion that the guy can be taken for granted the way she wants and to the extent she likes. Besides, did anyone ask the guy what was the price that he had to pay in terms of his own career? And how close is the child to his mother today? How much do we compromise to keep the other happy is different than how much do we compromise to keep SELF happy!!! In any case, the marriage is on the rocks!

When a strong sense of intense individuality and freedom is "the" most appreciated factor in one's life.... can a marriage survive? While saying this I am not promoting a gender or advertising traditional marriage - however, I am definitely talking of today's work culture adding fuel to the individuality fire.

Another example, where the couple doesn’t meet each other for days due to their traveling work profiles. They are the weekend couple. Are they happy together? They have learnt to accept each other as friends or companions who have 4-5 things in common and that’s good to survive...This is good, since it works for them ... and they have probably discussed this clearly to be happy together instead of being happy alone. Good, if it works.

Discuss all priorities and each others' goals and needs. And this has to be done every quarter like a performance review at work. List down the key result areas of your marriage and rate it to know if you are on the right track every few months... don’t do a rating at the end of the marriage trying to justify that you did a good job and your partner didn’t see it!!!

If you are the kind who wants to travel, spend 20 hours for work in a day, not look after any of the house chores, not participate in the kid's upbringing etc ... think twice if you are the kind to be tied down in a marriage? Will it work for you if your partner wants the same things too? Will it work for you if your partner wants a traditional marriage!!! Will you be able to handle an office spouse? It may be better to delay marriage or stay single rather than spoil the peace and content of any soul in question!

Everyone deserves a loving and a dedicated partner.... marriage or not :)

Dedication and loyalties ... to be discussed in the next post.... Have a happy holiday today!

 

Till death do us apart ....... Part - 2

...... picking up from where I ended my last note - A friend of mine, flamboyant, while he was single, made huge lifestyle changes when he got married. The girl who had a past too .... but he believed in the 'saat-pheras'. He expected her to change as well .... not sure if this was spoken or not. When he found a few months down the line, that she was meeting / was in touch with her ex ... it broke him, completely. They have separated now and the man wont believe in the woman-kind ever, I think.

By the way, trust is not a gender owned trait .. both men and women get hurt and both are equally sensitive to people's frivolousness!

Trust and Faith! My favorite point of discussion .... very relative!  Who decides how much faith one should have in the spouse? The one who breaks it is the one who moves on faster, they think :). The one who is the victim, waits, for the dust to settle down. Whatever happened to the concept of being close, talking to each other about everything, not being scared of opening up. If you can share your deepest fears and the weakest moments with your partner, are you vulnerable? How?? Tricks and games in a marriage is more common than in extra marital affairs. That's a big statement to make, however, it is increasingly becoming that! Knowing that there is someone to stand-by you, through thick and thin, for a long time to come makes a huge difference. How many of us can say this with 'confidence' about the partner? 

Frivolous behavior and flamboyance was a thing of the rich and famous once. It has now trickled down to everyone .... its a matter of pride to score! Promiscuity and infidelity is 'IN'. How long will a marriage last, if one partner is happy being casual and the other expects commitment at all levels? Trust will get played with! How many of us want to walk up-to the spouse and accept that 'I have broken your trust' .... ? Do partners realise that they are, really, crossing the line? Another point to consider, maybe trust is not what it used to be a few years back. Either we are making silly jokes on marriages or we are taking it to extreme dramatic levels like they show in the 'K' serials on television. Was trust not supposed to be the grain of the fabric of all relationships? Is trust today a 'value-added' service with a premium cost?

We have become increasingly self-dependent. Or should I say, some are happy being alone? I have been asocial since I was a kid. I have very few thick friends, who matter! I can be very friendly because of the profession I was / am in ... but that still doesnt make me a very social person. I used to spend hours alone at a CCD / Barista .... reading a book or watching life around me! So can a party animal be happy with a loner? :) Can a loner change his habits to become an adventurer? Internet, BBM, chats, social networking sites give us access to a lot of other people .... and a virtual world of friendship even love, thrives. Is it good or bad.... right or wrong ... Mr Sibal is anyways blurting nonsense on this topic, so at least I will stay away from being judgmental. Its for an individual to decide how much we let ourselves be exposed to elements that take us away from the real world especially the family and partner! Technology is an enabler ... facilitator .... to make our lives easy and convenient .... not replace relationships! I have seen people locked in a room, spending hours in chat rooms and on internet searching for things that, I hope, keeps them happy and content :). Being alone is different than being lonely ... however, sometimes people end up crossing that fine line. Fake identities, false names, misrepresentation of facts, low self-esteem, bargaining of love & feelings - too many things go wrong in the virtual world. It takes a lot of effort and wisdom to stay away from the virtual temptations. Can a partner understand the need of the other to be engrossed even involved with someone in a virtual world. Who and how does one know when these virtual relationships translate into more? A lot is shared over the chat/internet, intimate discussions, personal stuff and then we call ourselves loyally married.... another discussion for another post.

The little things - matter!! This note, below, was sent to me by a colleague and a dear friend. Pasting it as-is.

"The secret to closeness in marriage is not sparkling conversation or shared interests or incredible sex. As good as those are, the secret is practising plain, old-fashioned thoughtfulness and kindness. It's the stuff we learn when we're young and forget when we're too busy: things like respect, sensitivity, attentiveness and caring. If your marriage needs a tune-up, start doing these four things. First, practise 'hug therapy'. When you're at odds with each other, remember this: 'Hearts may agree though heads differ.' A hug works wonders. When we touch one another in caring ways our bodies actually produce chemicals that calm us emotionally and help us to bond physically. God designed us that way. Secondly, don't forget the small stuff. When you routinely build little kindnesses into your marriage they become a source of strength later; it's like money in the bank you can draw on. So think 'personal' and 'sweet', like helping to clean up after dinner, making the bed, walking the dog or putting out the bins. Thirdly, mind your manners. Just because you're married doesn't mean common courtesy should go by the wayside. That means listening without interrupting, and practising the basics like saying, 'Please,' 'Thank you' and 'I'm sorry'. This stuff's not rocket science, but it works! Finally, compliment each other. Your marriage partner is not a mind reader. Whenever you think something nice about them, tell them! We live in a cold, competitive world; hearing that we're loved, smart, attractive and fun from someone whose opinion we really value means everything.
Love & Kindness Always!"

Too exposed, too young! School children, teen agers, today are of a different breed. Money, technology, parties, the retail revolution, global education, opportunities, enterpreunership rising, changed family dynamics, easy access to pornography, financial independence at an early age etc.... are not pointing towards a long marital relationship! Marriage maybe, how long, how many years, how intense, questionable! Why would the kids who are twenty years younger than me want to get married? Being in love and out of love is experienced and done with by the time they are 15. There is no sexual reward either in sticking onto a partner, as its all done and over with much before the third date. Traveling to other countries for education and work exposes them to the 'acceptable' in other countries and forces them to question 'why not in India?' Live-in relationships are on the rise and it just proves that younger generations are thinking about marriage or rather a no-marriage more seriously.

Class, sets us apart!! I didnt believe in this until 3 years back. Drastic differences in family backgrounds, cultures, financial status, lifestyles and values makes it that much more harder to stay married. It needs both partners and a support system to continue being together. Respect for money, valuing a steady job, maintaining a home, raising children the right way - all this contributes to a healthy married life. Having a common ground is vital. The two partners have to understand their shortcomings in the given circumstances a little better. The same difference in the class can actually turn out to be an advantage, if managed well. In today's world, while the middle class is not exactly that, there is still a gap between them and the rich. The mental framework has changed but not completely. We have become a faulty plug, that keeps sparking abruptly. We can neither become as rash as the rich nor as traditional as we used to be. Trying to break-free and mostly failing! So if your parents and your ancestors have been middle class, there is that much more melodrama in every relationship. The parents are stuck in 1980s .... and the children are already in 2020. Worse if both partners are from different classes and cultures with an old-time mindset! Doomsday!

Women nag and men cheat! Really?? A woman is a woman and a man is a man, deal with it! Dont find excuses to cheat. And I know men who nag and I know enough women who have cheated. I have been in then man's shoes for a long time now, and I know its tough. As a single mother and the only child for my mother I dont have the time to throw nakhras around. Does that make me a good woman? Or a less woman? I dont understand the macho men and the dainty chicks. Partners use gender traits to complain and to find faults. This has increased with the so-called concept of 'feminism' and 'maleism'. In reality, do men really loathe women the way its depicted in the jokes that keep floating around? Do women really worship their man as much as they show in the tv serials? Their is too much fog in the air and it adds to the confusion of the younger breeds. Finding fault is a habit. Got nothing to do with the gender. Men gossip more than women and women try to be more macho than men. Life is such! Do we really acknowledge the positives of each gender when things are going wrong? Do we know the strengths that each gender possess and use it to the benefit of a relationship? Marriages become the battlefield where gender characteristics become weapons to win the war. Be a man (goes for women too!) and accept the issues on hand instead of playing the blame game.  

Will one upmanship allow any realtionship to grow and last long? More such questions to be asked...more answers to be found .... today's party scene ... corporate culture ... concept of office spouse ...etc are all asking us to think about our need for being married! Do we really want to be there!? 

More in the next ... for now ... have a happy sunday!

'Till death do us apart' .... - Part 1

Is that a statement that most of us make or feel only when we get married? Why can't we say 'Till death do us apart' ... as soul-mates / friends / partners / or just as lovers!

I have been wanting to write about relationships and especially marriage since a long time .... This is a multi-part post and will continue writing as and when I can!

In today's day and age, do marriages stand a chance of success, like they did earlier? I am absolutely pro-marriage and believe in it more than ever. However, have gone through an unsuccessful one and seeing a lot of my very close friends and associates going through divorces. The number of failed marriages are increasing and India's divorce rate in the recent times, is startling. I will not present statistics, since I am contributing to it in any case. Are single people thinking enough before getting into a life time of commitment? At least for me, it was always that!

Some thoughts - 

There was a reason this institution was established, and it matured over the years. Are those traditional reasons of marriage still valid? Division of labour in the house, men-  earning the money, women - the homemaker, sexual loyalty, joint families, marriageable age, procreation etc .... Today women are independent to a great extent, financially and physically. As far as emotions go, guess we have learned to maneuver our vulnerabilities and don't sap as much as we used to in the earlier years. Procreation is not a necessity or the next milestone anymore. Many men and women don't want kids, for reasons that are completely understandable. Money is not an issue, as both genders are usually working and understand finances easily. 

Nuclear families exist since donkeys years and we are no longer constantly pleasing families. We have managed to distance ourselves from the poking family aunts, uncles and cousins, so its easier to get into relationships and break them too. Everyone has been shown that no interference will be tolerated .... the two brains and hearts can decide everything. And trust me, its true in both situations - marriages as well as separations! In joint families, there was always at least one soul trying to sort troubles between the couple. A shoulder to cry on, a heart who felt the need to keep the peace. And, couples listened! Today, we are so self-engrossed that even well meaning advise is counted as 'interference'.

So, do people still want to get married for those traditional reasons? Even today, a very large portion of urban population is not thinking of the 'why!' I cannot comment on the rural population, as some of those traditions still prevail there. So lets leave rural India out of this conversation.

Marriage is still a project plan, with deadlines and milestones. Sadly, education and status has no effect on this. Where there is a date being monitored by the project manager, read parents and families, and there are daily / weekly / monthly reviews on the key achievements for the married coupled. Flat, car, designation, celebrations, a kid within a year or two, second kid, and the routine of being married! Can two people not be married just because they want to, without plans and milestones! Of course, very clearly communicated to each other.

Before deciding about marriage, Isn't it better to know each others' life goals? How many of us discuss it with our potential marriage partners? The dreams, the career path, the place where you want to live /settle down, the kinda house you want, the financial aspirations, professional ambitions etc? I guess, one of the reasons, why arranged marriages have a better success rate than love marriages, is due to the preliminary discussions the partners have. I am aware that this is neither idiot-proof nor carved in rock, after all goals do change or circumstances may! However, there is some amount of early discussion that does help or at least fuels the thought process. A lot of times the partners want totally opposite things not just from the relationship but also from life. And the presumption is - sab theek ho jayega. Maybe it does! Maybe it doesnt! In today's times, the latter is on the rise. I know of couples who don't even know why they got married, maybe I am one of them too! But we just became sure of why we wanted to part! :)

Tolerance and patience levels are low. Most of us are raised in nuclear families, where the focus was on us - children. Things around us have changed drastically in the last ten years! From technology to fast food to entertainment to lifestyles - life has changed faster than ever! Instead of trying to fit all these in our lives, we try to fit ourselves in them. Eating out and eating alone was never a trend. Families used to eat together - at least one meal a day. Movies, picnics, new clothes, everything had a reason or some kind of reward or celebration associated with it. We were taught to value it ... some took it positively and some used it to become rebels. With the retail boom, many believe that relationships can be bought of a shelf and so have a shelf-life too! Really?? If 'self-centric' is the trend of the times, will marriages work? Unless, both are self-centric and are clear about this with each other and equally accepting of the situation. Couples like these exist too - maybe that's the way forward.

Does age contribute to better marriages? Mom says, 'ek baar banda 25 ka ho jaaye toh uske basic traits set ho jaate hain - uske baad usse badalna mushkil hai'. I got married when I was 27! By then, what I wanted from my marriage was NON bargain-able. Does it help for the woman to be a little younger, maybe 23-24 to settle down easily in a marriage? I don't know! For all those who get married much later, or if its this their second/third marriage, this will have a stronger effect! How flexible we really are after a certain age? And if anyone tells me, 'anything for love .... ' ... its transient. Live with the person and love the person for what s/he is and not what we want them to change into after marriage! For some days, weeks, months, it may work! We may change temporarily for someone - something! Eventually, it all becomes suffocating - going back to low tolerance and patience levels.

Isnt it then necessary to accept the other person 'as-is', knowing his likings/ dis-likings/ intelligence / vulnerabilities / outer limits / tolerance levels etc ... *conditions apply!

Conditions - the partner may not be presenting himself / herself truly and completely, and this can be a very innocent thing!

Ever considered this - 'Do I want to grow old with my partner?' My ex mother in-law used to say, pati patni ka saath zindagi ki sandhyakaal mein aur khubsurat ho jaata hai! If the final goal is really ' Till death do us apart .... ' then life is simpler. We learn to live each others' lives .... petty things don't bother you. Or at least we do manage to work around it, together! Exit criteria should exist in projects and contracts - only, not in relationships! And if that's the way one wants to live, the partner should know about it before getting into it. Give an option to the partner to refuse the deal :)

A few years back, sexual loyalty was a thing to count on, rather not even stated in so many words! Today, women and men are more experimental and adventurous, irrespective of the marital status. The new mantra of fidelity, today, is - 'I am emotionally loyal to you - physical indulgence outside of marriage doesn't count'. Are we prepared to deal with it? Besides, who decides where does this stop? Is such a relationship truly emotion-free? Either gender does not need to pay for sex today - its available, freely outside. In fact, marital status makes the casual sexual relationships safer, there is presumably no emotional/financial baggage. Are emotions fast-food? Quick, easy, disposable bags, drive-through? And what happens if you co-incidentally fall in love with the one you are casually involved with? (Well, this is another topic for another day!)

Are open marriages really successful? If yes, why tag it legally? Being together, irrespective of being married may be good too! Is it right to have kids in an open relationship/marriage? At least it saves the legal warfare, when you decide to part!

What is that one, reason enough to be married to someone for life - nice to have more than one reason (:D)? Is it really what one needs or wants? Are marriages really made in heaven? Do you have skeletons in your cupboard that you need to get rid of before taking the giant leap? Is that one lovable trait in a person good to last a lifetime? Trust? Faith? Communication? Lot remains to be talked about.

More in part - 2/3/4.......

Have a lovely week ahead, guys!